Sometimes I hate my phone.
It is omnipresent proof that people don't see a need to reply to me.

I am this close to losing it. Really.

Maybe just tonight.

I'll be a lil stronger tomorrow. I really hope.
I must.

I'm thinking, if a bullet goes through my heart right about now, it would be much less painful, and over much faster.

I know, I sound like a drama queen.
But it really hurts. I wish I could listen to myself tell myself its all gonna be okay.
Cos ir really doesn't feel that way.

I don't know how to heal.

你這樣只是在重複的傷害自己。

I need something to happen. Something to distract me, to take my mind off the things that I don't want to face.

God, please help me. I'm not strong enough. My faith is not strong enough.

今晚覺得特別脆弱
暫時不想堅強

一直聽著令我傷心的歌
一直想著令我傷心的人

為什麼我那麼固執
為什麼我就不會去解決問題？
為什麼我只會complain

其實痛的原因
不只是有一個啊

你有沒有想過
也許是因為你
也許是因為我自己

【問題】的定義不是‘一定有答案’
希望你了解
我不能接受你
而這是最令我痛苦的

當下有太多煩惱
懷疑自己的太多

懷疑我是被人需要
還是被人愛

懷疑我是累了
還是根本沒能力

懷疑我是有主見的
還是其實我根本就蠢

對不起 今晚我累了
我不能體諒了
我真的不想再痛了
讓我休息吧

功課 我一個字也寫不出

看著我打的這些字
我有點害怕

明明沒事
但我應該有事的

明明開心
但我不應該開心的

越來越不了解自己
我變得越來越複雜
反而簡單化
令我不耐煩
因為你不明白

你也永遠不會試著去明白
因為你以為你已經明白了

你有苦衷我可以體諒
但我不會自動知道你有苦衷的

不跟我說還沒關系
我問了你也不回答

最近 我問的問題
他們都不當是問題

好了

我不問了
也不會告訴你了

不會再對誰有期望
我先搞定自己再說

我以為
不依賴你們
我一定不行的

但原來我可以
我忍得住
雖然很辛苦
但好過說出來被別人輕視得好

我不想再被我重視的人輕視了
我寧願我是隱形的
默默地看著他們尋找自己的幸福
這樣我也不會期待任何多餘的

我
沒有屬於我的承諾
沒有屬於我的體諒
習慣了跟著他們後面
習慣了沒主見



可是我很清楚
不是【錯的人】
我那麼地愛
不是我笨

有一天我會明白
有一天我會笑著回想
但今天
今天 我會好好珍惜的

我很珍惜你們
就算愛得心痛
也是因為我也令你們心疼吧



但我不快樂
問題是我不可能不面對你
我也不想一直帶著這種心情
你也會覺得我煩

所以我在等
其實我心裡面
相信回家了以後 一切都會沒事了
也有時間冷靜了
也有分開的時間了

也許 我就能再擁有一顆完整的心了

How sad that it is always the people that we love the most, that often hurt us the most....

你懂我再愛我 就不會折磨我
被回憶勒住了 痛到虛脫沉默
你懂我再愛我 我就不會怕了
好想勇敢走過 像從前最擅長快樂

And then there are those times where you think:
Was it me?
Have I been wrong all along?
Am I destined to regret?

And then the skies clear and you know what you have to do and why you don't want to do it.

But most of all, you know that whatever you choose to do, you will never be alone and never forsaken.

When the day comes that I can do something about everything that upsets me, whether it is to confront others or control myself, I know that another big step has been taken, and it can only be because of God.

Many times, my own weakness frustrates me. I cannot make others understand why I am not like them.

In psychology Other-Directedness is called a maladaptive schema. But it is a quality that I believe would make the world a better place.

I'm still figuring many things out. Sometimes its like trying to squeeze a wet bar of soap.

But I think, as long as I stay true to goodness, kindness and patience, I won't end up far from where He wants me to be.

I am just a sinner, but I know I can be better.

If bringing you joy brings me pain, then what do I do? Do I let go of you or do I try harder?

There are many things I want to write about... let me see if I can remember cos I don't really have an organized brain.

I think it is a sad thing that people don't make and keep promises anymore.

Today we encourage flexibility and quick thinking and efficiency and everything changes every second of every day.

And we never know what's going to happen in the future. And that change is the only constant.

I really believe that too. But I don't think its an excuse to escape commitment.

The value of commitment is in the effort one puts in to control themselves to make someone else happy.

The value of marriage, the value of getting a job, the value of being a parent.... they are all commitments that include human beings other than yourself.

I saw this quote by Kayla Williams:
Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, feelings became subliminal messages online, sex became easy, "love" gets used out of context, insecurities have become your way of thinking, getting jealous became a habit, trust has been lost, cheating became an accident, leaving became the only option and being hurt became natural.

And I thought it was so true and it saddened me so much.

I can't guarantee anyone in my life that I will still love and care for them 5 years down the road, because the world may end this December and we may not even be alive by then.

But I promise that everyday until I cease to exist, I will work hard to understand and care for each and everyone of the people that I love, because they are worth it.

And while it may be easy to say something like that, I know I am trying.

I know I will feel guilty if I don't talk to Aaron on Facebook for too long.
I know I will feel like an asshole if I lose my temper at Ruimin.
I know I regret fading away from Zu You.
I know I want to be there for Rui Ling every time she feels like there's no one there for her.

Like, something simple like arranging an outing... I would understand when people get disappointed when people pangseh. Especially when the reason is 'I don't feel like it.'

It just shows how much more you care for yourself than others.

I suppose I can't say its wrong to be selfish. Better to take care of yourself than to hurt yourself in the process of trying to make others happy.

And I'm not saying 'go make promises' because that's not the point either. Making promises you can't keep sucks.

I just feel like, don't hesitate so much. Don't think so much, because I can tell that in that measured silence, you are deciding whether you care more about yourself or about others. And that doesn't make anyone happy.

Don't assume people will think the way you do. Don't ask questions like 'how can you like something I dislike?!' because it just reveals in a second how little you think about other people's feelings.

Explain, but keep it short. I can't make it tonight, because I think my mum's expecting me back for dinner. Or I need to wait for my girlfriend to answer me before I can answer you.

Maybes, I don't knows, tell you laters.... alone they just mean 'stop bothering me if I want to go out with you I will ask you out'.

And that's the thing... to me it means that. Because all I see are words. Even when we're together we're pressing the screens on our phones.

And yet, questions go unanswered. People seem to find replying to a 'how was your day?' redundant.
But no sometimes I really want to know.

Maybe its me demanding you communicate with me now. Maybe its me being selfish.

I do that too. I make excuses. I don't reply to people when I'm upset because I want them to feel the same kind way I do when they don't reply me.

I just think it is sad.

Its sad that we cannot talk anymore.

The amount of meaningless conversations I have had... just makes me feel like I am so meaningless sometimes.

 I am feeling down tonight. I don't know why exactly. Its not exactly emo, but its like I'm on the brink of giving up on everything.... but still refusing to let go.

I just wanna be someone I will be proud of and someone God will be proud of.

I don't want to succumb to the majority.

Appreciation is so underrated. Appreciate.

Btw, I'm quite sure I'm an introvert.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eye,brs to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks Yours



I think I know what He is trying to tell me...

Almost done all the homework... just left psychology presentation now and the feeling's great! :)

Only a little dampened by the negative feedback after the dance exams. Not like its unexpected but well, I guess I should've already known.

Didn't feel like moving much today, my left knee is giving me problems again, so is my tummy and my heart.

I realise... I haven't properly rested for awhile. I've been meaning to go 大陸 and massage every holiday since like CNY or something and I haven't been able to do so.

Also I think I'm more or less suppressing myself from delving into full out despair, mainly because there are too many things to do and no time to waste on myself.

After a while I realise I can't let it out anymore. It won't come out till it decides to. I'm angry and sad and hurt and tired but ultimately when I lie down and think about everything and the tears start welling up, I realise I cannot cry anymore. It is just, disappointment.

And I'm getting used to it.

I've been telling myself, nothing's a big deal unless I make it out to be one... but then there have been moments where I wanna go crazy and scream my lungs out at whoever's pissing me off and not think about their feelings at all for one second. And then I feel guilty for even wanting to do that.

I got past all the pressure, the nervousness, the pile of workload. Not that I did well, mind you, I just got past it.

Everything passes anyway.

I did so without freaking the hell out. But honest to God, I really almost didn't make it. There was a point I wanted to inflict pain on myself, there was a point I wanted to run away from everything.

But even during those moments, I was there, and I thank God I was there.

I have never completely lost it.

I am allowing myself to be weak now. To tell myself that yes, I am under a lot of pressure. Most of it comes from myself. It is not nothing. It is okay to be not okay.

But I will be okay.

I know that I have the power to let go of anything if I wanted to. Its just that right now, I am choosing to hold on to what I want to.

It doesn't matter if it is right or wrong. Not now. Not to me. Because I want to be selfish, this once.
Even if it hurts me even more in the end, at least I will know that I hung on till the end.

Its okay if no one understands, because I don't pretend to understand everything about anyone. So don't pretend you understand everything about me. I am open to questions and suggestions. I am not to judgement and opinion. It is your choice if you want to share your opinions with others, but it is also my choice to not listen.

Because there are just too many people who believe they are right.

And sometimes I get tired of saying that there is more than one possibility.

It is not my loss if others are close minded. I just have to remember that.

Today I felt really bad about myself.
Like in dance and in general.
Just, today was worse than usual.

This post sounds really angry, and stubborn.
But I'm not really either now.
I think, I might not care what you think about me anymore.

At this moment I am just really really full.

I am going to watch videos that make me thankful. Because being thankful wins being pathetic. Which is seriously, just what I am being right now....

A little guardian angel of mine sent me this song. :)
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. :)

Its strength like this that helps me overcome the things I never thought I could.

Now that the cocktail is wearing off and I'm sobering up, I'm considering my choices with more reason than heart, which is a good thing, I guess.

You need to differentiate between being weak and being selfish.
I don't know why the knots are tied so tight. Maybe all the strings are going to snap soon...

School's good. Busy week up ahead, looking forward to Friday. Then not looking forward to the assignments, then rehearsals and then Beijing. :)

I'm doing okay. Life goes on. I'm actually doing a bit better than okay. :)
Just, I'm afraid if I admit it everything's gonna disappear in a handful of smoke.

I really miss home.
And I'm really thankful Ruimin's mum is here.

Maybe I was just looking for the right things in the wrong places.

One day you're going to regret treating me like this.
I say that with no menace. But guilt will tear you apart from the inside out.
Cos I really did all I could.
I can probably do more in the future, but I will never again play this game.

Its not my kind of thing.