faith.hope.love

2012-01-31T02:21:00.000+08:00

I'm the kind of girl who will take 3am walks in the middle of the empty street.

The kind that enjoys walking in the rain (if I'm in the mood, and most especially at night).

The kind that will walk out of a party to take a walk, to get away for awhile.

The kind that will climb out of the window to sit on the rooftop.

The kind that will stand at the edge of a high cliff, not to look down but to look into the distance.

The kind that will daydream in the middle of a rehearsal.

The kind that will enjoy thinking for the whole day about what to have for dinner alone.

The kind that can be in the midst of ten conversations but catch absolutely nothing.

Maybe I really enjoy spending time with myself too much.

Maybe I really am too passive.

Maybe its not a characteristic, its a problem.

But I'm just really tired of being the back up plan.

Especially now that I know how being someone's top priority feels like.

This is just...

Ah I just have to get used to it again.

No biggie. :)

2012-01-20T16:42:00.001+08:00

Advising day today.
For both shenyun and in general.

Usually I'm not very happy after advising, its like going for a doctor's appointment where the doctor tells you: Your health is not in grave danger, but you're still dying anyway.

You know its the truth and you know most people are like that but there's still not much reason to smile.

So this year it was a bit more different with all the drama going on... seriously I thought I wasn't the one moping around school already so the teachers wouldn't have noticed, not until the girls told them like, directly.

But well, what's happened has happened, saying it and not talking about it doesn't affect the event itself (just my emotions dammit).

But I just gotta learn how to deal with all the negativity, and how I just want to run away and let them all shut up etc.

Somehow I feel like I'm okay now. I accept how the way things are, how the way certain people are and even though its no cause for celebration, I'm not gonna be depressed or worry about it anymore.

One of my teachers told me, no one can love a person who doesn't love themself (wtf what is the right grammar for this?!). And I think its true la.

I want to be there for the people I love, but if I'm just getting what I want from them then I'll be a burden to people instead.

And some people are not worth my time. I may not hate them but if they can't even respect me and be a little more patient with me then why should I spend the effort to be patient with them?

I won't assume everyone is like me, so I won't judge if they do things or think differently. But if you lash out at me, I don't see the need to accept the criticism either.

理性一点

Gotta stop taking myself for granted.

Gonna keep working on it.
Gonna keep dancing my heart out.

I'm trying my best, and I'll stop expecting others to do the same.

I know I'm not the only hurt one.
And I'm sorry for the people that I've neglected and hurt because of my own self-centredness.
(Ruimin, Aaron, meimei etc.)
But nothing is ever one-sided.

And for those who never run out of criticism to give out to others...

have hope la, okay?

Things aren't that simple.

There is no 坏人or好人...

Nobody's perfect, but I believe we should strive to be the best that we can be...

Not just in our careers, but as a person too.

That way the world will be a better place... right?

2012-01-19T22:58:00.003+08:00

I thought I was able to do it already, but coming home tonight...

I realise maybe I'm still a little distance from my breaking (away) point... :p

It hurt me a little, and I still don't know how to be myself, and sometimes with that group of people I just really don't understand, or can't relate.

Its natural, but just another reminder of who I am and where I come from.

There is a side of me that doesn't want to go through this, but another part tells me to do it, to leave zero room for regrets or for turning back.

I'm quite upset that I'm not going back for CNY, even though I try not to think about it too much. Even though there are people who think I'm wasteful and stupid, I know this is a decision that I have to bear the consequences for.

I just don't want anyone and anything to be the last resort, or the fall back plan again. I know how hurtful that is and that's why whenever I talk to someone or do something, its not because I settle for it but because I actively decide to do so.

Which is why a big part of me would rather be alone this CNY, except I think this January has had enough tears, and plus the boredom would kill me.

Haha... technically I just get killed one way or the other.

可惜我不是索女

I guess there are some truths I just have yet to accept *coughcough* hahaha...

But no, I really thought she looked so beautiful today.

And I think, I've seen enough ugliness to really appreciate the goodness in others.

Its really scary. I wish I had never seen this side of you.

2012-01-13T00:42:00.001+08:00

有時候真的覺得
我在被玩

被不珍惜的感覺
真的很sian

我想
我應該在沿著一條
沒有得回頭的路

其實事實是
每一天
自己一個走向碼頭去的時候

我都會跟自己說
其實這樣也okay啊

難過可是又不見得會死

我還是記得一個人的感覺

其實我有那麼難愛嗎？
還是跟我在一起太久真的很累？

其實我一直以為我沒做錯事
是不是從頭
問題就已經在我這了？

對他埋怨了
他開始覺得我煩了

但如果我連這樣都要小心
那他是不是不夠愛我

He always says he doesn't deserve all this.

He's always harping on about how we're not clear-headed.

Maybe... he's right.

If he won't even try, if he doesn't cherish anyone, then why am I trying?

What am I fighting for?

I hate this jealous, desperate me.

I want to let go, or get him back.

I don't want to be kept waiting anymore.

I can't...

The pain and disappointment is starting to tear me apart.

Though I'm amazed by the limits of my own endurance, its like everyday a little bit more happens to make me clearer.

I can feel it.

The time is coming soon.

2012-01-12T01:04:00.001+08:00

我已經跟你說了一千遍
說到連自己都聽煩了
說到什麼意思都沒有了

其實就算我還喜歡
就算你知道我在等
又有什麼用呢

你還是會跟我說
放手吧我知道你累了

可能如果我真的放手
你也會比較少煩惱吧

其實真正的第三者
是我

其實你們沒有分開過

其實我們沒有一起過

其實你只是愛上了我的安全感和對你的溫柔

其實我在你生命中沒有什麼特別價值

其實我們做好朋友會比較適合

一個沒有承諾的關係
既不是朋友也不是情人
什麼都不是

陳美錡
你幹嘛還在等
等著一個不愛你的人

我現在需要的
是一個願意留在我身邊
和我一起度過生命的喜怒哀樂的人

既然沒有
那你就學會自己照顧自己多點吧

跳舞已經那麼廢了
希望你做人不會一樣失敗

享受現在？
享受跳獨舞的感覺？
享受獨立的感覺？

哈哈

我試試吧
反正現在
有第二個選擇嗎？

2012-01-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

Fucking stressed out.

Sorry for the language, but I'm so tired of this feeling.

WHY IN THE WORLD AM I GIVEN OPPORTUNITIES I'M NOT EVEN READY FOR?!

And the most screwed up thing is, I can't even complain, cos people are dying for this opportunity.

Honest to God, this isn't a difficult piece.

Really... I mean, its only the 8th rehearsal and we've almost finished 19 minutes.

Its just, I'm not her. And she's like so far from where I am how can I ever come close?

And everyone's talking about how little they have to do and how boring this whole thing is and I understand but I feel slightly... envious.

I know I am so honored to be given this part to dance, I don't know why but its okay, I'm honored.

But the last time and in fact every single time I do a solo, it freaking sucks. Like to the COREEEEE.

(Even though I have no core. -_-)

I really suck.

FTS.

I hate who I am.

I hate the little value that I have to myself and to others.

Right now I really need someone to be here to tell me that I'm gonna do okay, that I'm not as unimportant as I think I am.

But there isn't anyone left.

I've been chasing after the things that won't turn back, and pushing away the ones that will.

This isn't a mess. Its a lesson to teach me... either stand up by yourself or collapse by yourself.

When I am done whining, hopefully I'll be standing....

2012-01-03T23:59:00.002+08:00

其實開學我很開心
見到朋友
回歸平常的忙
提醒我我不是一個人

不管我有多心疼
一定要記得
不能因為自己的自私而傷害別人

今天排舞
竟然叫我跳solo
超級無敵非常緊張
但不斷的提醒自己
不要讓自己又失望

跳他的動作我很享受
他要的感覺
我心裡面很清楚
只不過不知道身體能不能做出來

想抓回過去
但過去已經過去了
現在那片地
已經沒人了

我想我也算體驗過那種感覺吧
拼命想要挽回
但其實沒有東西挽回了

很好

可惜我是要跳出來不是寫下來

別怕陳美錡
就算你最後
如果真的是一個人
你也能好好的

但for now....
回想一下
薄命挽回的感覺

2012 New Year Resolutions

2012-01-02T21:38:00.000+08:00

1. Don't be a part of anything I wouldn't be proud to be a part of. Like bullying, bitching, etc.

2. Be more proactive and go after what I want.

3. Learn how to be more independent.

4. Learn how to deal with pressure, whether from peers or from my profession.

5. Learn how to let go, without losing hope.

6. Oversleep less often.

7. Depend on God more.

8. Keep working on understanding others. And being kind.

Probably not the best time to write something like this... not when I'm in such a horrible mood...

But I think I need to actively move on... I know the normal me would.

I guess the saddest part is, just a short few days ago we were so close, and I felt so safe, but then suddenly the whole world came crashing down and it was like everything was taken away from me.

Its not so much the loss of anything substantial, probably just the loss of potential.

I know in this case, I didn't do anything wrong, and probably it was just God's will that she came back, or rather, he let her come back...

But even after all this, I don't want to give up on him. And most importantly, I really crave his attention, his love, his tenderness... its like having really intense withdrawal symptoms.

Without his voice, his touch, his scent, I feel like I've been dropped off the cliff I've hung on to for so long.

I feel lonely, unwanted, unloved... but I know that isn't true.

Now I truly understand how the heart cannot listen to the brain. Its like it totally refuses to calm down and listen and just starts to tear itself apart.

I'm still hurting pretty bad, after all, its only been 2 days. Its just, another first for me I guess...
I cried, the whole day yesterday. Like literally. Its so scary, I have never seen myself like this. It was so pathetic, and when I look back I just wish there was someone to hold me when I was falling apart.

And I knew who I wanted that someone to be.

But I remember telling myself, after this passes, I'll be stronger... and I believe it.

The truth is, I'm thinking of getting him back. I know its easier said than done, especially when I know his heart may be slowly pushing me out, and slowly filling up with her....

But I want to try. Even though I know its gonna be even more painful and even more difficult, but I feel like we were separated because of circumstances and responsibility and I don't know...

Maybe its more like I want a second chance?

I know, there's a fundamental problem when he won't make me a promise to stay faithful to me, or to her to stay faithful to her, because it just means we're both neither his most important person.

But I guess my reasoning is, I don't want to give up after one setback. Maybe setback is not the word for it, but my decision is, I want this relationship. I want this person. I can't be satisfied with being friends.

And maybe this is the heartbroken me talking, or the senseless me talking, but I don't want us to be separated unless it is because there is no love left, in either one or both of us.

Perhaps one day I'll regret thinking like this, perhaps tomorrow I will regret it, but I truly believe that he is worth it, and that we are worth it.

I just want the one I love to be happy, and I believe I can make him smile.

It sounds crazy and stupid, I know... but let me try, okay?

2012-01-01T04:07:00.001+08:00

Brokenhearted on the first day of 2012.

2011-12-28T18:57:00.000+08:00

记得你以前跟我说过
为什么我会觉得没有安全感
而不会因为拥有你
所以觉得自己比其他女人更好
不会觉得proud to be你的谁

你用了Andy Lau的老婆当例子
我也不记得她的名字了
但记得几乎没有人看过她的真面目
因为她每次被拍的时候都在带口罩

我现在想起来
可能是因为
Andy的老婆对他很有信心吧
或Andy有办法让她相信他

现在的我
一点安全感都没有
一点信心都没有

我今天一直在想
可能他对我说的话
也都会对她说

会把我传给他的简讯给她看
会把我说得好烦

我完全不知道我在他心目中的地位是不是第一

我曾经以为
我不能对他有那么多要求
他会爱我我已经很幸运了

但当我一再又一再的发现
原来我只不过是其中一个
而是比较差劲的那一个

我就开始很害怕失去他

因为害怕
就越不敢对他要求什么
因为不想失去我爱的人
所以不逼他去做决定

所以你一直都在两边跑
喜欢就找我
喜欢就找她

有时候会用一句‘我需要冷静一下’
来打发我们
然后从新再开始

可能你看不出你在做什么吧

可是我真的很痛

很痛但又不想放手
很痛但不想因为害怕就逃避

只有听到你亲口跟我说你不要我了

我才有可能会放开吧

今天我又在想

可能我做得不够吧
没有努力点让他爱上我多点
自己听自己这么说
都觉得好笨噢

我应该继续假装没事
然后继续找他
继续这个不三不四的状态吗

还是逼他做个决定

还是走

今天他跟她见面去谈了
我就这样自己过了一天
看了戏一直在流泪
想不到我也可以那么感性
哈哈

他问了我
不如你跟我说你的吧
我说
你先跟她聊吧

其实我那一刻好伤心
真的要sell自己吗？

选我别选她！
我.... 比她高
... 比她老

什么

自尊心大受打击呀

我现在超想打给他
打给那个
说跟我一起很舒服
说南丫岛风大要小心
说我真的很需要你
的人

这样的感情算不算自虐啊？

我多希望
今晚他能和平时一样
陪我吃饭
进南丫

我多希望
一切回归正常

但正常
又是什么呢？

2011-12-27T01:09:00.002+08:00

我最近覺得自己有一些毛病已經存在太久了

是時間罵一罵自己了

第一。不要抱著以牙還牙的態度。

人家怎麼對我我就怎麼對人家。

我之前覺得這有什麼問題啊？
不是理所當然的嗎？
這樣想是對的啊！

錯！！！

我有自己的原則對某些事情的態度
是跟別人不一樣的

而且我又不是別人
為什麼要對每個人都不一樣啊

如果A對我好我就對他好
如果B對我差我就對他差

陳美錡就是陳美錡
我不想對人衰
我也沒有資格去批評別人
決定他們值不值得

因為我們都是人
都會犯錯
沒有完美的

錯就是錯
沒有比較錯
比較不錯的

我知道我不完美
但我想用真心對待每一個人

我想對每個人都有禮貌
為他人著想

意思不是我會為每一個人付出我的所有
但至少我想尊敬每一個在我身邊的人

如果我不喜歡A每次跟我說話唉聲嘆氣
我就不能對任何人說話唉聲嘆氣

如果B欺騙了我讓我很難過
我就更加不能欺騙別人

感受過經歷過
就應該更加了解
不再讓難過的事情重複

竟然要做最好的我
就不能讓不開心的話或舉動繼續

你可能會問
意義在哪裡？
這種想法應該不是很現實吧？
你不會累死嗎？
等等。。。

我只想說我願意去試
不是為了討人喜歡
是為了讓自己喜歡

不是一種逃避現實的想法
只不過希望‘現實’不再帶著一種負面的意思

累？
有什麼是不累的？

做自己就好了嘛
但我又是誰呢？

一直在改變的我
哪一天會很清楚的知道我是個怎麼樣的人呢？

幾時會學會欣賞自己？幾時會學會愛自己？
如果不知道我是誰
不如去做一個我知道我會喜歡的人

會不會覺得自己很假呢？
可能吧

但如果知道真實的我想對別人衰
是不是應該對別人衰才對啊？

可能我的邏輯有點錯誤吧
如果你找出來請跟我說

我的思想
沒有整齊過
我就是‘矛盾’的代言人！

哈哈。。。

第二。我就是心太軟，心太軟。。。

雖然說我平時是個拿得起放得下的人
但可能老了吧哈哈

在某些方面我可是非常非常的不理智的

平常在舞蹈的世界裡已經要爭奪機會了
把最好的表現出來希望別人會選你

難道
做朋友
做情人
也要這樣嗎？

可能這裡就開始矛盾了
如果朋友和情人是應該愛原本的你
而你不知道原本的你是誰
那還有什麼好愛的呢？

還是如果說
我最基本的原則就是想當好人
而那是你在我身上欣賞的
所以你選擇愛我

很愚蠢
現在我在分析愛情友情

美錡呀美錡。。。

現在的我
就像在面試

為什麼要等待
為什麼要帶著這種緊張心情過日子

為什麼幸福是辛苦的
為什麼簡單是那麼的困難

我從不相信
愛是複雜的

愛很簡單
信任很簡單
希望很簡單
但人不簡單

有些事情必須要面對
但因為害怕所以逃避

這個我完全了解

但當你知道你很有可能傷害到人
難道你還想逃下去嗎？

你不是愛錯
你是做錯了

所以我說
我不在乎你的過去
除非你的過去變成你的現在

因為我知道
沒人能控制自己心裡的感覺
但你能而且必須控制你的行動

跟伍詠豪在一起的美錡
是最快樂的美錡

但往往能讓你最快樂的人
也能讓你最傷心

請你好好照顧我的心

我很獨立
我的生活不用任何人為我操心

但我的心很軟

我很少生氣
更少發脾氣
更加少會大哭

但現在的感受
或者說你每一次離開我的感受
比以上任何一項都難受

我很想怪你
但最終
我只會怪自己

你說過
以我的能力不能為你做很多
無論是錢那方面
或功課
或工作
甚至舞蹈上
也不能幫到你

不只是這樣

我也帶給你很多壓力
關心我的同學
關心我的朋友
關心我的家人

所以其實
一直都不是很明白
我有什麼好愛上的
哈哈

可能聽起來很自卑
但我確實很普通

你也不是沒有其他更好的選擇

重點是你有得選
因為我不是唯一一個希望得到你的愛的女人

不明白你為什麼一開始會選擇我

可能你也開始不明白了吧
所以才要想清楚

不是的。愛情哪可以這樣分析啊！

可我就是這麼分析了

唉
怎樣
我白痴的程度
真的
好嚇人

放不放下不是問題
我還愛
我還信

但我錯了嗎？
為什麼要我等待？
除非你是在選

那如果你是在選擇
而不是在放下過去的話
請你
不要選擇我

我不想做second choice
我還沒可憐到那種地步

若愛請深愛
若棄請徹底

我很愛你
但我不能愛上一個只會讓我更加討厭自己的人

你心裡混亂
我腦子混亂

告訴我該怎麼做

2011-12-26T00:01:00.000+08:00

What now?

2011-12-06T01:10:00.001+08:00

Please don't hurt me again. You have no idea how scared I am now. It makes me want to run away, but I know I will regret not making as great an effort as I could, next time when I look back.

You have no idea how painful it is.

If you did, you would be more stingy with your sweet words and comforting arms. I'd like to say I feel special to you, but how can I, when I am just one of many.

One day, any day, you can just turn and walk into someone else's arms. I know I can too, but I choose not to, because in my heart, you are special. There is a reason why I put so much into your hands. If you are afraid of holding it then let everything go.

Right now I'm slipping and tripping and it feels like you don't want me to go on.

如果幫你做決定你會不會輕鬆點

2011-11-20T09:19:00.001+08:00

This is the third year out of four years in HKAPA that I'm doing 安徽花鼓燈... I hope I don't have to do it for my last year too.

But speaking from the heart, I know how rare it is to dance in a piece that isn't stressful and is just really happy. The last time I had the chance to dance like that onstage was in Macau with Hong Kong Dance. :) I guess without the extra nervousness, I was really able to take in everything onstage and back, and appreciate the way things run in the theatre.

The lights, the back of the wings, the inner stage, the cool lift at the sidestage, the dancers preparing...

The stage really has magic. The distance from the side wings and the stage is merely a few steps, but the perspective is completely different.

I'm thankful for this dance. :) Thankful that I learnt how to find myself before trying to present myself. Thankful that I had someone to watch, to hang on for every time he performed. Thankful that I was away from too much bitching.

It was hard on the heart, these few days in the theatre, and while I tried to keep my thoughts away from the performance, it was then that I realised more about myself too. How I need to go do things more than simply think of doing them... how bad I am at communicating... how ruimin always touches her hair when I'm tying it...

Hahaha... it really speaks about the lack of trust, but I don't blame her because my french plaiting skills really suck. :p

I also realised how easy it is to lose your temper when the pressure is on. The last few days before and during the performance, in the theatre especially.

When I was watching the video of our afternoon performance on Saturday, I had the sudden feeling of affection towards this piece...which is just strange because I've always felt like the teachers did a very shoddy job of planning our performance.

Tbh hua gu deng is much more entertainment than art, and sometimes I feel like I didn't come to APA to do SYF stuff...

But in the theatre I can see that it works. Our piece may not be very 'meaningful', but it still can touch the hearts of the audience. And that is the most important to me. :)

And my dear Skinny, who had this huge opportunity (that came along with a huge amount of stress) to dance with Cindy onstage for 6 whole minutes, has gone through quite a lot.

We're very different, he and I, and sometimes I find myself thinking that I should be more like him when it comes to dance.

Elizabeth Chan is perfectly fine with being happy dancing. But that is not what professional dancers should be aiming for. Happiness is too simple. Too shallow.

I've understood that now. You dance to learn. Dance to communicate, with yourself, your dancemates and the audience.

And how much you get from something depends on the amount of effort you take to squeeze new stuff out of it.

Newton was lucky, the apple happened to drop on his head. Others might've had to shake the tree, or climb it, or even chop the apple tree down, to realise something new.

So I have to get my butt up from under the shade of the beautiful apple tree, and go get some apples for myself. :p

I really do believe that maybe its better to have friends who don't dance professionally, or to have a partner who isn't from this industry, because truthfully, how many people can fit on an apple tree? When push comes to shove, will you choose dance or will you choose him?

I think I know his answer. And I know her answer. I don't know mine.

Maybe its because we're young, and 上進心 is something that is greatly encouraged...

But I don't see anyone giving up their career for me, and till I find that person, I think I am very unlikely to do so too. :p

When you make a commitment to something, usually because of affection, there are two parts: passion and responsibility. It is very easy to focus on one and forget about the other, because they are so conflicting. One is emotional, one is logical. Without passion, a relationship is just sad la. And tiring. Without responsibility, there is a large opportunity for people to get hurt, and for mistakes to be made.

Sometimes we talk about mindsets, or attitudes, and how your value system decides what is right and wrong. Some people take it too far I think. Yes I can be open minded, but the question to ask is really very simple: will anyone else be unhappy because of the choice I am about to make?

I think we can safely establish that it isn't right to make someone unhappy. Of course, I'm not talking about selfish psychos who want everything to go their way and if one part is out of place, BOOM. Tantrum.

I'm talking about normal people la (though its difficult to tell what is normal anymore...

That was just something I happened to think about recently...

One funny thing that happened during the performances was on Friday afternoon, during one of the tuo jus where I was supposed to sit on my partner's shoulder and he will turn in a circle, I fell off his shoulder in slo-mo. And I was like 'NONONONONONONONoooo........' fall down. And I was like AIYAH and my first reaction was to hit Hoitong cos I was like 'see la you push my back again huh push push push!' and somehow we managed to get through the time though I completely don't remember what I did after I hit him hahaha.... but apparently it was quite natural so heng ah... :p

I'm more thankful it didn't happen again for the rest of the performances though. :)

At this point of time I am talking to Aaron on Facebook and my entire train of thought has flown away hahaha...

Anyway I think this Dance 1 has been a good experience, though it still can't beat the insanity of last year's wa zu. :p

2011-11-19T08:46:00.001+08:00

I dunno. Its usually my problem la.

Whoever comes close to me usually ends up regretting it at some point or other.

One day I'll just run far far away....

2011-11-19T08:30:00.001+08:00

I've been so happy and so hurt in the past few days.

I admit, it was my own fault. I didn't trust him, I didn't take the initiative to find out what was wrong until I felt like he let me down.

But really, its always been me letting people down.

But you know, I realise it really is easier to pretend I don't care. Or pretend that I'm happy.

There was only once, during rehearsal, that I felt like wtf I can't smile now!

But the rest, did it really matter?

The thing is, I can only guess what's wrong.

Maybe its pressure, maybe its home, maybe its as simple as he doesn't like me anymore.

At the beginning I was like, seriously? Come on, grow up and stop playing games. Either be with me or don't.

Cos it fucking sucks being played around like that.

Not like it doesn't already happen enough.

But I swallowed all of that and then I was like 'okay I'll try to make you happy cos I know you're really stressed out'.

Really, is it so difficult to not always think of yourself? Its a good attitude to have in Dance but then again you're not attached to dance.

And okay maybe I am the pot calling the kettle black but I try.

And on the other end you don't give a damn about what I wrote to you.

You think it was a piece of cake to write it? You think I didn't put in enough thought? My dear, I've been thinking about the same thing for months! And you're not making it easier.

You won't let go of me when I want to be with others, or be on my own, and you won't think of me when there is a possibility of any benefits happening.

Its not just once or twice. Its not just a matter of months.

I'm tired.

Stop pushing me away and pulling me in. I know its my own fault for having no backbone, but is it so difficult to be consistently nice?Or am I wrong for expecting the people I love to put in the same amount of effort consistently?I'm not saying I have sucky friends omg, I just wish I didn't feel so hurt.It doesn't have to be so complicated guys. I really wish I could ask clearly, what in the world is bothering you so much that you think its perfectly okay to ignore me or talk to me so coldly. Cos even though I'm good at waiting, my patience does have a limit. 可能是我想多了可能是我自己太自私了可是我不玩複雜的遊戲你不是要我這個朋友就是不要別天天換注意我是人被這樣玩我寧可自己一個

2011-11-09T21:50:00.001+08:00

We all feel this way sometimes...

2011-10-18T23:43:00.000+08:00

My legs are killing me. Quads, ITB, knees, and the little ligament/tendon down the outside of the tibia.
Thanks to the tuesday classes.

I always feel like after Tuesday passes the week gets over faster cos there aren't any tiring days left. But this is only because our rep is so relaxing. -_-

I don't know if I'm too distant or too clingy sometimes you know. Makes me wanna go crazy. Seriously next time I'm just gonna ask straight out. In class too.

I'm really blogging for the sake of blogging here.

Okay let's blog about the book I'm reading now. Its really good I think. The Other Side of the Story written by Marian Keyes. Its about these 3 women and two of them wrote books and the middle person is their publishing agent and well it gets really complicated but a running theme through the book is cheating.

One girl's dad leaves her mother for a younger woman after 35 years of marriage. That same girl's fiance left her for her best friend and had a baby with her. The agent is having an affair with her boss who is married with kids... etc.

And its all talked about in a very lighthearted tone, though of course the conflict is very present.

It kind of made me think a little... There are a thousand and one methods to be unfaithful to the commitment you made to another person. And I believe that sometimes, the line between being friendly and unfaithful can be really fine, and the boundaries are decided upon by yourself and your partner.

Not to say that you can't have friends once you're attached, but the thing is, what does being attached mean? What's the difference between being attached and being friends?

Its probably too early for me to talk about this but if I want a relationship that is less physical and more emotional/mental, what's the difference then?

For me, I really don't mind that he has had his share of the field. I know them, I like them as classmates/schoolmates and it won't change because I don't want to judge people based on what they did in the past, because so far their present hasn't hurt me in any way. Probably the only thing I would worry about is that he hasn't really put down the hope of their relationship continuing further. Its difficult to be sure about it, but I guess what I mean is that I'm not sure of what he feels of his past.

I know, trust right?

But the thing is, I really don't understand why anyone would feel even the slightest amount of attraction towards someone like me. Before you go rolling your eyes at my hypocrisy, its not! I'm really quite sincere about this. I mean, as friends yea I can be pleasant but I see nothing special in me that a million others (with better qualities) don't have?

Omg sorry I know this is all sounding a bit paranoid but I guess I've never really felt assured about myself so this just adds on to my insecurities.

Really tiring for the people around me huh. :(

Back to the beginning, I know the culture is different here, but sometimes I feel uncomfortable when I see people who are attached being really friendly to their friends. Okay even typing that out sounds stupid but sorry, I'm not someone who's very generous with hugs and shares everything with people that I'm not very close to. That's why I've never said it out loud? Because I feel like its probably something I'm not used to, like its part of their culture...

But I think I'm too clueless for someone like him. Sometimes I really feel like he'll grow tired of me sooner or later hahaha... I just I should just enjoy the moment huh? :)

I'm just afraid that I'm holding back because I'm afraid.

I can literally see the thoughts in my head changing week after week. In terms of learning... its interesting, but I don't think the people around me may like it. :/ ohwell...

My legs are really killing me.

2011-10-15T00:21:00.001+08:00

其實我是一個很糟糕的舞蹈者
一個很糟糕的學生
一個很糟糕的朋友
一個很糟糕的女朋友

對不起
我說了太多次了

你可不可以不要再讓人失望啊
陳美錡

2011-09-29T09:31:00.001+08:00

Typhoon signal number 8 is hoisted, for the first time when I'm on Lamma and the second time since my time in Hong Kong.

And its nice to know I'm not alone. The discussions go strong on Facebook as well as in the living room where my 5 other housemates are watching television, thankful that they get an extra day to rest.

And when I look back into the sleeping face of someone I love and want to take care of, I think that this is the moment... There are times in your life you realise that you are perfectly happy with what you have (regardless of whether that's a good thing or not) and all I need to do is thank God and be happy.

It can be this simple. A morning where school is suddenly cancelled due to huge winds (in fact the sun is out) and I'm typing away on my beloved computer trying not to wake up the person who literally accompanied me through the storm haha...

I might be carried away by the grayness of the weather and the hidden analogies that I can't seem to stop finding, but once again I am reminded that happiness can be very simple.

Thank God. :)

2011-09-26T21:14:00.002+08:00

I'm 21, thanks.

Thank you for raising me, for tolerating my ignorance and stubbornness, for your support and advice... Even though we have our disagreements at times but we grow together and its interesting sometimes to see how the past and the present differ so much from each other. :) I could not have asked for better parents. I know we've been through a lot of tough times, but coming here made me realise how extremely lucky I am and how I shouldn't be complaining about all that I don't have when I already have so much. :) Stay healthy and happy, and I hope I'll be able to thank you on my 30th and 40th and 50th birthdays. :)

Thank you for being the least troublesome siblings I know. Even though I hardly hear from you, but I'm very happy to see you grow and mature and walk through the same steps I did at that age. I think the best thing to do will be to stamp out a path by yourself, but if you ever need help don't hesitate to ask. I love having siblings, especially when its you guys. :) I really miss the Disneyland trip... I hope next time we'll be able to go somewhere fun (when its not in the middle of a school year :p) together again.

Thank you for your past 7 years of friendship. Whether we walk together or apart the fact is that you are a big part of what my life is right now. I still take comfort in knowing that for most things, I have you to accompany me and I can still look to you whenever I need help or need to remember steps. The time we spend together may deplete after time, but in my heart, you will always be the one who knows me best. Thank you for never losing your temper and shouting at me, thank you for being there when I needed you, thank you for knowing what I want even though I don't say it out. Thank you for being you. I know its not easy being next to me sometimes, but I thank you for your patience and love. :) I know how lucky I am to have a friend like you all the way here, away from home. We will last many many more years, I'm sure of it. :)

Thank you for the laughter I always get when I'm with you guys. Thank you for always making time for each other and most importantly, thank you for letting me become one of you guys. Its difficult to explain why, but talking with you guys always relaxes me, and not only when you're cracking the usual lame jokes. I'm really thankful I found a bunch of friends who are willing to understand, more than judge, each other and even though we all have such different lives, the thing we all have in common is that we really like each other. :) It may not be very deep or complicated, but I'm glad that I can still find such pure and simple friendship in you guys. :)

Thank you for making me feel special. Even though I still don't understand it, but I really think the effort that we will make for each other is so precious. We both don't know how long it will last, but the important thing is that we both hope for it to last as long as it can I guess. :) Thank you for making me feel guilty by bringing me to Shanghai. Thank you for making time for me even though I know you have other needs and stuff to do. Thank you for always sending me home and making me feel like moving nearer to school. -_- Haha... you brought a bout of fresh air in my life, and made me understand myself a bit more. :) May sound a little complicated but thank you for choosing to be in my life. :)

Thank you for being there. Thank you for fuelling my love for dance at the very beginning, when I was so weak and clueless. Thank you for showing me what good dancing is. Thank you for being my friend, when you have so many others. Thank you for your sweet Tinkerbell themed presents year after year. Thank you for being the nicest person I know. You were a big part of my life once and even though we don't talk as much now, I still really care for you as a friend. :) I hope you learn to believe in yourself soon, and give yourself the kind of positivity you once gave me. :)

Thank you for being my awesome friend. For wanting to be there for me, but I must admit I don't make it easy. Thanks for always encouraging me to be healthy and to work hard, even though I constantly complain about things I really shouldn't be complaining about. Thanks for making me feel like there are people waiting for me back home. :) Thanks for opening my eyes to games and rock and roll and a million other things (like ttyl, fts etc.) because without you I'd just be a boring old grandma. Hahaha... I really hope your positive energy will last forever cos that's the awesome friend I know I can count on to make me smile. I hope I'm not too much failure as a friend too... :p

Thanks for the girls who I love spending time with, who pampered me for my birthday and really just enjoy hanging out and shopping with. Sometimes I feel its not too good to spend too much time together cos we just keep eating junk food non-stop. -_- hahaha... You sweeties are the ones who make APA more warm at heart. :) Thanks for all your sweet notes and words every performance and even when we're passing each other in school. I miss not having you guys in class to do project work with. :( But you guys made last year so much better. :) When I am not so broke, we must go overseas/shopping together again okay!!! :D

Thanks for the classmates who never fail to make me laugh and feel better about being stuck in the same place day after day for hours and hours. The guys with their lousy yellow minded and lame jokes and the girls with their gossip and stuff. Hahaha... I'm glad I'm in this class. :)

Thanks for the godparents who still keep in contact after 30 odd years of friendship. Thanks making HKAPA possible for me. Thanks for being a very crucial line of support when I'm away from home. :) I'm glad I always have you guys to turn to whenever I need a home cooked dinner or am in some trouble that I don't know how to settle by myself...

Thanks for all the friends and teachers who have helped shaped me and my life. I don't really have an impressive memory so the people who affected and changed me must have really been powerful. I'm okay with who I am right now. I can be a better person, I can be smarter, I can be stronger, I can be more disciplined, but I'm not unhappy with who I turned out to be. I'm thankful that I'm blessed with so much and I'm even more thankful that I'm not content because I know I can be better. I don't believe any what ifs or if onlys would have changed me, because I believe things turned out the way they did for a reason. And I believe that no matter what that reason is, there is always cause for understanding and joy. I hope that in the future I won't be blinded by my own narrow-mindedness and short-term sight so that I may always be able to hope and believe in infinite possibilities.

Thank God for His providence in all areas. I would not have the strength, the perserverence or the clear-headedness to think without Him. In Him all things are possible. Thank You for showing me the meaning of true Love and how to love myself and others. Thank You for teaching me to be a better person, even if I don't always succeed. Thank You that no matter how many times I forget You, You never forget me. Thank You that I am blessed enough to know You and to believe in You. Thank You for everything. :)

2011-09-26T17:29:00.002+08:00

I think its just today, the last day before I turn 21, that I feel a little bit negative.

I feel a little more fat than usual.

I have that sudden wtf every step I dance looks like shit feeling.

I want to give up on myself.

I've got no idea how to fix the problems that lie within my body.

All in a day's work for a dancer.

I hate it when I have bouts of negativity like this.

When you hate yourself to the point of despair. After studying for 2 years, dancing for almost everyday, after 16 years of taking classes, I stand in front of the mirror, wishing I was not looking at myself.

At 21 years of age, I can very firmly announce I still do not know how to dance.

I know how to move just like any other normal human being, but I don't know how to dance.

Especially not chinese dance.

And if I don't know how to dance, how do I teach people to dance?

Maybe its a bit confusing, like after spending so much time and money(!!!) on this and like going on and on about chasing my dreams, it seems like there's never a time that I'm happy about my own dancing.

And its true. I hate to watch myself dance.

my ugly feet like look like I'm wearing flippers on land.

my shoulders that always look hunched.

my head that never looks properly attached to my neck.

my knees that don't straighten at the most crucial of times.

That's enough for now, but its good that I don't accept myself for the dancer I am. Because if I did, I should just drop out now and stop wasting resources.

I guess the part that hits me the hardest is the plain frustration. That even though I can be really hardworking it will not show onstage. The audience doesn't know that I put in the effort because I really love dancing.

They will judge me by my performance onstage which will scream lazy and undedicated.

And that is a huge part of dance. Judgement.

In church I learn not to judge a fellow brother or sister because we are all imperfect and we are all sinners.

In school I learn to judge and am judged in return. Day after day.

Its not that I'm only realising this now in my 3rd year in this school, but I guess the contradiction gets to me at times.

There's alot of negativity flying around, but at the same time you can't just sit back and say 'okay, I'm not doing this, I'm not playing games, you guys can go ahead, I'll just sit here and watch'. Because you came in here by competing with others, to compete with others.

You have to keep fighting, every minute of everyday, whether you fight hard or fight smart you have to keep going.

Cos if you give up on yourself, so will your peers and teachers. In this world, no one will nurture you back to health, no one will keep encouraging you to step your game up.

If you, after repeated attempts, fail to show how much you want to be the best or at least better than you are now, you will be given up on.

So no matter how tiring it is, no matter how demoralising it is to see everyone fly past you and you're still stuck there figuring where your head should freaking go, elibird you can't let yourself go.

There are no excuses. Step your game up.

You're not a kid anymore.

2011-09-20T00:00:00.000+08:00

Today I saw this really obese girl flick her hair like she owned the place and I couldn't help but wonder how important confidence is to us, especially those who are in the performing arts....

In dance, even though confidence is a required trait to appear prominent onstage, but no one is born with it. Everyone cultivates it throughout their years of training, or maybe their parents help to cultivate their kids by constantly making them feel like little kings and queens from when they were young, but anyway, the presence of confidence is never absolute.

I think there is a difference in being a confident dancer and confident in life in general. There is a possibility of someone being very confident outside of dance, but unsure of themselves when they look at themselves dancing in the mirror. This is more possible than the opposite happening, though I don't know how you would calculate this kind of probability but let's just say its my opinion for now.

At the risk of sounding very biased, I have to say that the majority of Hong Kongers I've met are very confident of themselves. They're confident of their opinions, confident of their apperance and basically the way they carry themselves shows how it would totally rock to be them. But the thing is, when you combine the same ends of the poles together, they will repel. And thus the result is, they are usually cynical and negative. They can judge very quickly (and then be totally sure of their judgement after that). They can find the negative side to everything. I won't say they're gossipy cos it sounds negative and I don't think its fair if I call a country of people gossips, but they will not hesitate to share their views.

They're a very open bunch of people, open-minded in a sense that you can ask them any kind of question regarding usually taboo subjects and they will very animatedly discuss it. They might even be willing to try it or have tried it. In a sense, I think the hong kongers that I know are very willing to explore yet very self-critical, which may sound like they have no connection at all, and its true. They don't.

I may be overgeneralising and the bunch of friends that I've met certaintly do not represent the 7 million or so people in hong kong, but from what I've seen and heard, I feel like hong kongers are very confident people.

That's not to say that they love themselves, especially in the studio, I see many friends who don't dare to step forward, or who constantly complain about their own lack of improvement or dancing prowess. I would know. I'm one of them.

But being confident means that this self-awareness doesn't stop them from criticising others, or making excuses for themselves.

I'm not measuring the 'good'ness and 'bad'ness of this. I'm just saying, is it better to be like them, at least happy with who they are outside dance, rather than to be someone like me, who looks at herself in the mirror and wants to turn away?

Or keeps her mouth shut not because she doesn't think what they are thinking, but because she's afraid of what others will say about her if she does.

I want to be nice and mean it. I don't want to be nice because I'm afraid of others shooting me.

If I could cultivate this sort of confidence, even if not in dance, I think it would help me.

It would help me with the hundreds of insecurities that I have.

To be tied to someone with emotional baggage.
With someone with twice the financial difficulties.
With someone with twice the money I do.
To not know where the heart truly lies.
Able to see but not to listen.
Able to hear but not to experience.
If I matter amidst all others.
Afraid the past will blend with the future.

I don't even know why.
Its like knitting a huge scarf. I'm not hoping for every stitch to be perfect, but I hope to complete it you know?
And I hope that it will look nice too. I know its kind of hoping for a lot for a first try, but I want to see what happens if I really put my heart into it.

And I really should stop hoping for the ability to hurt people. Its not healthy.

2011-09-17T02:00:00.000+08:00

There are some situations I wouldn't wish on anyone... but when it really happens there's nothing I can do to help.

Its not that I didn't give it enough thought, or that I didn't put in enough effort, but sometimes there's nothing I can do short of losing who I am.

If I lived my life for others, I wouldn't be in this industry.

I could, find a job and earn money to help those around me, but depending on the job that I find, that would jeopardise the amount of rest I get and the salary that I earn from it... who would willingly accept it?

Everyone has different responsibilities at different stages of our lives.

I want to take care of you. I would wish you didn't have to worry.

But things don't work that way.

I don't work that way.

I'm selfish. I need the rest. I need the money.

But I really really wish I could catch everyone who was falling.

2011-09-17T01:59:00.000+08:00

I think this place has evolved from a place where I list down events I want to remember, to a place where I go to blabber out my thoughts, till I straighten my own head out...

I don't know if its my own insecurities, but its intuition that tells me to be careful. I want to be able to trust people, but I just don't.

Learning new ways to look at things, learning to be more alert and focused, learning to think deeper... but its not easy. And chances to do so slip by everyday, because I'm either daydreaming, or not paying attention, or just too confused at that moment.

Its incredible, the number of aha moments I have sometimes, even if occasionally its just a reminder of what I should be doing or thinking.

I just wish this didn't happen at 21.

I guess, he knows I'll mind, but not in the way he thinks.

The more I know the more I feel like I am so far behind. Not that I want to catch up in a sense, but I just wish that sometimes I had something to contribute to the conversation. And maybe also because there are others I know who've gone through the same thing, and even though taken less drastic measures, but I don't know how it feels to experience that level of emotion. I really don't.

I wish I wrote better.

I don't know if its something I'm supressing or because my capacity for emotion is really that small...

Maybe I just need a good night's sleep. Because today blabbering isn't doing it for me.

2011-09-01T18:00:00.002+08:00

Adrenaline in my veins.

Today we had quite a proper technique class.

And a science class I quite liked. Though I really wasn't expecting that answer but as usual I think I just was thinking too much.

Waiting for the Chor Workshop people to finish class. It feels so weird that we're all in different classes, but I think I won't regret Pedagogy.

Learn what you want to learn Elizabeth Chan!

And I think Pei laoshi's enthusiasm and focus throughout the class makes it pass so fast! And I really felt like continuing today.

Maybe its just the feeling of learning something new, but her style is so different, and the exercises all so unexpected, that I'm really excited to learn the next exercise and do the next thing etc.

I can feel the tiredness slowly creeping into my thighs and lower body... and I feel like I'm kind of heavy now, like cannot jump, cannot lengthen my core... but in another sense I feel more grounded, a little bit more stable, a little more friendly with the floor... so yea.

There's homework to do. I think. But I'm not sure if it must be like WRITTEN homework but oh well let's see.

I think I'm learning to look at dance and myself and my learning from a different perspective... and although its kind of mind boggling and sometimes my mind feels like it can't take in so much like information overload, but then I just gotta remind myself to take things one step at the time and when it comes for the time to use it I can use it.

Instead of memorising everything for an exam then forgetting it all after.

I hope the things I'm learning now stay with me for the rest of my life. :)
Not how to write an essay, not how to get an A, but how to realise what cause leads to what consequence, to see the underlying purpose just by looking at the surface...

I know my brain, and my character, hinders me from expanding my reasoning and logic, my creativity and possibilities, but I hope to be able to break past those barriers some day. :)

And I'm really thankful for this opportunity to do so in APA.

"Whoever said sunshine brings happiness, has never danced in the rain."
I won't let the weather run my life and my heart.
:)

2011-08-31T23:40:00.002+08:00

眼大无神

I think Ruimin is sleeping.

I may be moving to Wan Chai soon.

It scares me to think about moving. >_<

There's a lot to remember in school.

I'm afraid I will lose focus.

Tomorrow yummy breakfast and dinner.

I want to dance soon.

I want to dance in the sense that I am a dancer and I know how to dance.

Not like I am a student learning how to dance and I am trying how to figure my body out.

Year 4 already.

I've written many letters for people asking people for chances but I think I shouldn't ask for chances until I'm sure I can face each new opportunity with confidence and determination.

So cliche but I can't even do that now.

Not when I don't even like the way I dance.

Just the 2nd day of school. Everything's moving pretty slowly so not aching, but my head is going to burst soon.

Hahaha... I think I really hope to grow more as a dancer soon.

2011-08-30T23:14:00.000+08:00

有時候會看我打過的字說過的話
真的不知道要哭還是笑

我真的很奇怪
真的太～天真了

so白痴

2011-08-30T22:58:00.002+08:00

First day of Degree 2.

Just had technique, folk, shenyun and doc and tech.

With many long breaks in between...

Really too long.

And today we didn't dance much, didn't learn much, in fact I was so cold in folk I really think I should've worn a jacket.

But its true... these days won't last long. :) Rest is something we'd better appreciate while we have it. Though I am feeling fat fat fat. :p

There are only 8 people taking Pedagogy. Not that I regret my choice, because I don't know what in the world I would choreograph... but maybe I'm just not a small class person.

I like being a wallflower too much to be a professional performing arts student. -_-

Seriously.

So today I saw for myself the shift in the balance of dynamics between us.

It feels so forced, all of a sudden. Like we purposely control the distance and make sure everyone's happy...

But the thing is. Its impossible for everyone to be happy at the same time.

I have a responsibility towards you, even if you never felt that I lived up to it.

Sometimes we hurt each other, but I've had enough of that.

Today when he commented on the changes he saw, it suddenly realise that the change I was fearing all along had already happened in my heart.

I won't say I'm sad, because some things aren't worth being sad over.

I don't have a problem with anyone. And I know that if I ever do, its my responsibility to fix it or deal with it. A problem doesn't stay a problem unless you decide to let it do so in your life.

I'll just focus on passing each day. Maybe try to lose some weight, look a little more like a dancer and less like a holidayer. Hahaha...

I just think... I'm grateful for everything I have, and for everything I don't have. There is always things worth thanking God for and things to learn from those that seemingly aren't.

I hope I never forget that.

I don't even know how to verbally explain the changes that are, and honestly personal opinion and fact are not very clear in this case.

I'm just glad that school has finally started. And I hope the momentum carries me on, smoothly and far far into the future. :)

2011-08-28T22:52:00.005+08:00

這個世界男人是不是可以亂喝酒亂搞野亂玩女人
女人就永遠追著那樣的標準

除了肢體上得到的樂趣
生活裡面有沒有其他的樂趣呢

我知道生活裡除了喜怒哀樂
還可以經驗很多別的情感

可是我覺得
傳媒廣告什麼都好啦
為什麼要引人注意的時候
sex drugs and violence
就特別容易做得到呢

其實這些是我們人最基本的衝動
跟畜生沒什麼不同
不是嗎？

而能把人類和動物分辨的是心靈上的關係
吧

還是我太天真了

還是因為我沒有嘗試過
做違背我自己良心的事情

還是良心我把她看得太重要了

可是七十億人裡
只有一個像我一樣的陳美錡

大多數的人是往同一個方向想的話
那我又算是什麼

我可能只是覺得
為什麼
男人可以玩女人
女人可以玩男人
男人可以玩男人
女人可以玩女人
大家可以玩大家
認真可以變成玩
玩可以變成認真
你看我我看你
傷害你我對不起
從中學習
之後就什麼都可以
越玩越大

什麼都不是神聖的了
什麼都可以拿來玩
就是這樣
我玩你
你玩我
玩完找第二個

醉了累了
之後只剩下一條命
也拿來玩玩吧

我不是看不起誰
我只是在想
這樣的生活真的值得我去活嗎

應該是什麼都要試
什麼都要學
不是嗎？

我做過的選擇就因為沒膽子乖就是對的選擇了嗎？

那什麼又是對的什麼是錯的呢？

別人做的決定關其他人屁事
可是這個世界裡什麼都可以拿來講
八卦雜誌
不就靠別人的屁事才存在的嗎？

我常常說生活不只是有舞蹈
雖然要努力但除了跳舞
生活還有很多別的樂趣啊

其實
如果我就取代‘舞蹈’那兩個字
什麼都可以放進去啊

是不是生活就只有這麼多?

Without compassion, love, appreciation, consideration...
Anything goes.
And if anything goes, what purpose is there for the human life but to try the many different possibilities and limits of the physical, mental and spiritual aspects of the human body?

Maybe its because I'm in these surroundings that I will suddenly think of such a huge chunk of thoughts that I can't really make head or tail of.

Its the show that I'm watching.
Its the people that I know.
Its the stories that I hear.

I can choose to close my eyes and ears, but that would only be lying to myself.

I guess my question is, what is the point?

And the thing is, there is no use asking that question, because you'll never know the point until you experience it for yourself.

But for me, I'd like to think that there is more to life than simple enjoyment. The true happiness comes from something beyond humanity and the time that passes.

One day I hope I'll find a way to put it in words. But for now, I'm satisfied with what I have and I hope that I will only be better in the future.

As a friend, as a dancer, as a student, as a classmate, as a girlfriend, as a Christian, as a person.

Don't worry... nothing's happened.
I'm just running thoughts through my head. :)

2011-08-27T21:10:00.002+08:00

I have lost the blogging mood for good hahaha...

I remember when blogging used to be this really serious habit and I must at least blog once a day that kind...

I think I just found people to talk to liao haha...

But the standard of my English has dropped like crazy and I write like a primary 6 kid sigh.

So much has happened in these few months la I don't even know where to start.

Let's go backwards...

Ming just called me fat. T_T He said my face grew fat.

This is after Skinny and I had a meal of spaghetti carbonara and this huge chicken thing we couldn't finish at a really beautiful little italian restaurant in kowloon tong, Amaroni's.
The portions are huge, as are the prices, but I think the pastas are really good. :) Should try their fish and other pastas next time... :DDD

Okay so yea maybe I grew fatter after that sigh WHATEVER I know I should stop caring but I am obsessed and I'm not the only one so heck.

But I went to school yesterday and Pei laoshi got say I grew skinnier one!!! T_T maybe she was just trying to make me happy so that I will come to her technique class full of excitement and in a 'good mood' HAHAHAHA...

Sigh I am so out of shape I hope she can save me without me having to go through too much pain.

But the same rules apply to every new beginning: Elizabeth says she is gonna TRY HER BEST and BEAT THE REST hahaha yea right let's just try to make it on time everyday first alright.

(P.S. I'm really kidding about the beat the rest part okay. Deep down inside I know I'm only pretending to be a performer... just let me hide in my corner at the barre forever :p)

(P.P.S. Okay la its not that I don't like performing I just lack the confidence okay. I won't hide either. I think.)

Then last night we went to watch Bo Sir's piece which was a 20 min long contemporary chinese piece. I felt like many of the elements were really similar to other pieces I've seen, but who's to draw the line between creation and plagarisation anyway. Georgina was a really beautiful dancer to watch. :) Skinny and Zhenyang both improved quite a bit, whether it was in terms of the way they moved or the presence that they had onstage... even though one threw his umbrella away and one broke his but accidents happen la. I would know >_< and in all honesty I did feel like there were too many people onstage.

Like I felt like the same effect would've been achieved or would even have looked better if there were lesser people...

The other dances are not really worth talking about, much less paying for, but I know I would have regretted not going, so yea. :)

(argh shit at this point I remember the pile of clothes waiting to be washed back home. sigh.)

Then before that went to school to add some classes and meet the people/staff etc. Got some new people, even though no more diploma 1. I don't know how that works but okay... I just know the school fined me for registering late and I feel like punching that guy. Or writing a letter to complain about him but I just tell myself to not be such a nitpicky old woman and just leave it la. :p

So that was Friday. Thursday... OH thursday I watched Horrible Bosses with Tingyu Water and Skinny. :) Was nice just chatting with them and hanging out and stuff. :) And I'm glad they appreciate the humor la hahaha :p

Wednesday went to sing K with Debby Esther and Cat, met up for K Lunch and the food was not bad la. :)

Okay you see its getting shorter and shorter... I don't really remember already.

Anyway the point is I have been doing nothing but eating and not dancing or moving or doing any kind of exercise. -_-

Okay la I managed to surprise Skinny by coming back on Sunday which I like to think of as a personal achievement because its not easy tricking someone like him. Hahaha... So yay one for me. :p

Holidays are finally ending, which I'd like to believe and hope is a good thing, though I know you won't need to wait long to read posts where I rant about everyone and everything, and how all the dancing is suffocating me and I need to run away blah blah blah...

I hope this year will be better. In terms of dancing, in terms of learning, in terms of friendship and in terms of comfort. There are so many things changing around us all the time, we never know what's going to happen next... but I'm thankful I have someone to run to now. :)

Not that I never had someone to talk to, but I'm glad someone other than me is keeping my heart safe la. :)

Imma happy girl hahahaha.... :)

The only thing I need now is for all my friends, whether back home or here in Hong Kong, to be happy too. :)

2011-08-08T01:53:00.002+08:00

It has been one month, of which the majority we spent apart...

But I still feel like all this is so surreal, and that its too good to be true.

I just hope that we are really, meant to be. Though knowing that we'll both be putting in effort comforts me. :)

God bless us.

I'm so tired.

And I'm in so much pain.

This weekend when I go for class its like torture.

Even though I cut myself so much slack, especially like today I hardly ever did anything completely full out, but my muscles are still screaming in pain.

The pain is sucking the life out of me.

I don't know if sleep is enough rest.

But yet I want to do better...

I'm so dead next year. My dong bei yang ge is really shitty.

I can't get the shou jin to cooperate with me no matter what.

So dead.

2011-07-27T12:15:00.003+08:00

I haven't been blogging.

I don't really know what I want to talk about and how to go about saying it anymore...

The Shanghai trip was nice, saw many museums and different kinds of architecture. Ate good food, had a great time... but in a sense, it was relatively tame? Like normal. We didn't go skydiving or play at some theme park or go for a picnic in some forest.

We took walks in the park, looked at ancient chinese artefacts, bought books and frequented many pretty cafes, including Starbucks.

But it was very special and heartwarming to me. :) And I believe so for the both of us too.

Let's not go into dramatics or deeper issues... I think for now, we just cherish and support each other. Which is simple yet fulfilling enough for me. :)

Back in Singapore, I should be rushing to complete the choreo for my solo and get all nervous about the performances next week, but really... I think my heart is not in it yet. Not until we all come together and rehearse together, cos I'm such a lazy ass and I can't be bothered to motivate myself.

Teaching so far, has been nothing short of a nightmare, but it brings in cash, which is always good, as moneyminded as that sounds.

I don't know how to work with kids in a cca, that don't really care about dance. Gotta use recognition and exclusiveness to tempt and manipulate them into doing what you want, which sucks. And I have to raise my voice all the time, but its probably just I'm not used to it yet.

My friends are still the awesome people that they are, and I'm really thankful that even though I'm not around as often as we'd like, but they don't consciously or unconsciously distance themselves from me. I really enjoy their company and I really care and love each and everyone of them...

I think we're kind of twisted, in a sense. We can be together and laugh and talk endlessly, but deep down I think something in the balance has changed and we both know it. It saddens me a little but I understand its natural and I don't think its a 'bad' thing per se. And I still love you all the same. :) Change is constant, but I have certain beliefs that I try to stick by. And one of them is that you are a good person and an even better friend, and that you love me too.

I rarely say anything of real value now. I guess that says much about my thoughts. But oh well... I don't need to fill myself up with knowledge to understand and appreciate the beauty of life and the people around me.

I have faith, and if that alone is not enough, that's just the way I am.
I don't try to seek for evidence and doubt all to allow for more accurate analysis, because I simply believe I am happier that way.

I set myself goals and promise things to myself to make me become the person that I want to be. The worst person I can disappoint is myself.

So Elizabeth, you must really try harder.

Try harder in dance, try harder to be a better friend, try harder to be more sensitive and understanding, try harder to guide others, try harder to be more responsible and try harder to convince yourself that you need to try harder.

Being relaxed is all fine and good, but the lack of drive will make you miss out on alot in life. Not just a lot of success and recognition, but a lot of love, understanding and knowledge too.

I have 3 books to read this holiday. 2 are in chinese. >_<

This could be the 2nd last free day I have, though I believe that to be a good thing. :)

2011-07-12T23:25:00.002+08:00

What a surprise.

You can't make everyone in the world happy.

And whenever some change happens, people will use it as an excuse for present phenomena... but I guess I should've known better than to be surprised.

Eating like a pig... and not exercising.

I guess whatever la... sometimes you just gotta make your own decisions and create your own opinion no matter how many other opinions are blasting you from side to side.

You're important enough to me la. I guess this is just part of the sacrifice. And even though its not effortless but I think what I've gotten from it is worth this and so much more. :)

2011-07-10T08:25:00.002+08:00

I've been having a wonderful time so far... days filled with things to do with awesome people to hang out with...

I guess I'm just not used to it, and I don't really know what kind of a mentality I should be having to face him, but for now, I'm just amazed at how much I can smile, how happy I am just to spend time together.

I want to believe that this is very simple.

We're not simple minded creatures. Whatever we do, it is always possible that we have a motive or even multiple agendas... but I'd like to hope... just very simply, believe in you.

Maybe there's an element of fear, like taking a step into the very unknown, and me being me, I just decide to take things as they come, which doesn't always end well...

With a mind full of uncertainty and a heart that is overflowing with warmth, I wish I could just stay in the present... always.

I wonder what He wants me to get from this...
I think I realise... it is now that I need to be even stronger than before.

I feel like I'm holding on to the ghost of me... and my grasp is slipping...

2011-07-06T00:38:00.002+08:00

I'm happy that they're coming. :)

I'm happy that we're going to play. :)

Even if I'm surrounded by worries and problems... one ray of sunshine is enough to make me smile. :)

It may be superficial and selfish...

But I'm happy. :)

I wish everyone around me happiness too. :)

Positivity makes things possible.

2011-07-04T11:18:00.004+08:00

I am aching all over.

Okay la not that bad, considering what I've been through before *ahem*albert*ahem* but my butt and back very poor thing. :p

Today is Monday, they come on Wednesday. :)

The bbq is on Thursday and USS on Friday?

Gonna be quite happening... don't wanna expect too much also, just let everyone be happy and stress-free. That's what's a holiday is supposed to be for.

Haven't been dancing as much as I should have okay I feel guilty and out of shape hahaha...

School is just a nagging thought at the back of my mind....

Okay I should leave the house soon.

Oh yes. God bless all the sick people around. Hope you all get well soon!!!! :)

2011-06-29T21:38:00.002+08:00

Love going out with Rui Ling. :) Super relaxing and we can sit and read for very long and we just transit in and out of a conversation easily. :)

Can't wait for Friday though, even though some people are kind of busy, but well I'm glad I have this bunch of friends who cherish every minute that we have together. :)

Its not like they know every single detail of my life, or that I see them every minute of every day, but I would want to tell them everything that's happening to me and I would want them to tell me everything that's happening to them and I feel like we have a great friendship.

Certain things may happen or certain people may cause some kind of complication or deviation from our usualness, but I think what I've found in this bunch of people is understanding and the openness to accept everyone's flaws. We know we're imperfect people and we have problems all the time, but I love all of them the same. Because I put up with them and they put up with me. Hahaha...

And we're growing older, we're moving apart (I'm already apart from them most of the time) but I miss the times we spend together and no matter how difficult it is to arrange meetings together, we'll still try our best to coordinate it.

I guess I did complicate things a little by bringing people into my life or into the group, but sharing the changes in my life is something I feel is important, because it is what I would want them to do. Even though I never did expect certain things to turn out the way they did but I'm okay with it, and I'm sorry to those who aren't.

We all have our problems, the ones that stick to us for a very long time. But I think in the process of our daily lives, the laughter, the talking and the comfort of just being together is a little happy pill for all of us. And I really cherish what we have. :)

2011-06-24T11:09:00.002+08:00

Been sort of sick for the last few days, the worst of it is the never ending headaches and the painful swallowing...

The blocked/runny nose I can deal with because I get it 320 days each year, but resorting to panadol and pi pa gao to soothe my head and throat aren't really working. :/

Oh well... I really hardy get sick anyway. I guess I should thank God its the hols instead of school time where I have to drag myself to dance everyday.

Though talking about school, I really do miss it. I miss the classes and my classmates... the hanging around school and the to and fro from Lamma each day...

But I knew. I knew I would miss it.

Days like yesterday make holidays really awesome though. :) Hanging out with the Woodlanders...

So I'm not doing the nose op this year, cos apparently everything's really complicated and they have to break the bone to reset it, and take apart and rearrange all the cartilage inside, including extracting some from my ribs. And then refine everything and the whole process of healing will take a month or more.

I'm not looking forward to it. I remember the last time I had the jaw op, how dreadful the process of waiting for everything to heal was, how horrible I looked when I was swollen...

I really am dreading it. But well, get it over and done with... hopefully next year I can still go for the TNUA summer course. But we'll see. :)

So anyway now I know why I breathe so loudly and get blocked nose so often, because my airways are quite lopsided and everything is like crooked until very jialat... I have alot of faith in Dr Lee but I still am amazed by how screwed up I am hahaha...

I have nothing to do today... I feel like I should go out but I don't feel like going out hahaha...

Anyway I've been feeling really blessed lately. :) Thank God for everything, every person, in my life. I feel like I'm slipping back into passiveness... but I know better now. Maybe not a lot better but I think got a little little bit la hor. :p

2011-06-18T09:28:00.002+08:00

After a week of being at home, I finally feel like sitting down and blogging about it. (Actually its only cos the Malaysia Airlines website is not working and I'm trying not to tear my hair out cos of it)

Okay I book liao. Kinda nervous. Not sure if anything else will screw up... if so then GG la. WHATEVER LIFE'S LIKE THAT.

Hahaha I'm awesome at comforting myself. :p

This is the second summer holidays of my APA life, and so much has changed since I was 18 (omg wtfff why I so old).

Okay I wanted to take pictures from facebook budden I see see see then lazy to take so never mind la. HAHAHA.

Anyway, its cool :) All this change. All the happiness and the stressing out and the going through the 101 different kinds of situations have really taught me so much and shaped the way I now think.

I don't pretend to know a lot, I know my knowledge is very limited and my mind still quite narrow, but I always tell myself to be open to stuff, and most of the time it helps.

There's a lot going on inside my head, one cos my processor probably belongs in the 90s, and two because I just probably think too much in general... but the result of this is that I have very poor communication skills hahaha... plus if my emotions get in the way of the message that I'm trying to put across, the emotions are first priority and suddenly my mouth can't control itself anymore.

I really do think the sole purpose of why I blog is to spout complete nonsense.

What is the point in saying all this really? There is no point, but that's nothing new.

Checking up places to go in Shanghai... sometimes things really turn out different from you expect them... and people too. But people change and in return things change. I guess we just have to learn to adapt.

I've been having a totally relaxing holiday... to the point where I totally can't remember what I've been doing for the past week and I don't feel like going out cos of my annoying headache and sore throat.

When I'm happy I tumblr, when I'm sad I tumblr, when I'm angry I don't know what I do... blog? Yea poor blog, always the victim of my ranting.

No matter what.

I'm glad to be who I am, and I'm glad to have the friends that I do.

And I hope that no matter what kind of things I face in the future, I will always be able to 看开, and there will always be people supporting me. :)

Even if I walk down this road and am a total utter failure, I wanna be a happy failure hahaha....

Its naive I know, but I really don't want to hanker after success. I want to learn, be exposed to more... and in due time, His plan for me will roll out.

Don't be impatient Elizabeth. Remember what you believe in and remember why you believe in it.

I am always grateful to the people that I love, because even though it might not seem so, its not as easy as they say it is to love somebody. And to have that kind of a connection with others, its not to be taken for granted.

Your mind can convince yourself into having certain kind of mindsets and attitudes towards something, and I sincerely suggest you take a look and see if your attitude towards something is based on your love for others or your love for yourself.

Selfishness is a human trait, but so is kindness, and love, and empathy, and understanding. Its not like I'm expecting myself and everyone else to be perfect, but what's wrong with wanting to be a better person, and taking action to do so? Perhaps we think differently and have different perspectives about the same thing, but I can agree to disagree. Can you?

Right now I just want something to happen. May it be the op or the hongkongers coming or the shanghai trip, or the totally messy young talents showcase.

I want to do something with a purpose. A purpose greater than to fill up time.

Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully I don't fall full-blown sick. :(

2011-06-11T04:04:00.002+08:00

Why is it that it is only on the last day that I see the ugliest side?

Why are you so pretentious? Why are you so ready to let go? What do you hope to gain?

Why are you so eager to help? Why do you go to anyone who has a need?

Why do you say one thing but let them do another?

Is it because I can't accept their culture or is it because I'm too uptight?

I guess there are some things I should stand by, and by doing so, I've been disappointed tonight.

Know who you are. And I am not one of the handful. Thank God.

2011-06-10T20:21:00.001+08:00

Waiting to go to siu wai's party...

So school is out. :) But somehow I feel like I wish I had more time...

The past few weeks, I've probably been in the process of changing, though into what I'm not sure.

Perhaps, I should look forward to these changes rather than being scared of them. :)

But the insecurity is still there.

I don't know what will happen tonight, or tomorrow night. All I know is that I feel like there's something in the air, and I'm waiting...

This school year hasn't been a bed of roses, the dancing has been torturous and painful, and honestly I don't think I reaped much... but one thing that makes up and beyond for all of it is the great friendships that have developed.

From not being able to talk to them, to questioning their behaviour and mindsets, to understanding them, to accepting them... I've come to love many of these Hong Kongers too. :) There are good and bad people everywhere you go, and to be honest, I truly believe in the meant to be.

And I thank God for every meant to be friend, because farewells and distance won't destroy what we have. :)

I thank God that I've come to love what I once hated, yet again.

Oh, I dyed my hair but its quite invisible. :p

I feel this emotion coming back... a little scared but I'll be a little more in control this time. I hope.

10pm come soon.

我是不是太相信你了？

2011-06-07T06:51:00.002+08:00

Its been too long since a proper blog post. -_-

I'm going to the beach today! I'm gonna rehearse today! Excited for both, dunno how they're gonna turn out, dunno which is gonna happen.

Just a few more days to home sweet home.

:) bittersweet, as usual.

2011-06-06T03:26:00.002+08:00

Its 3:27 at Shenzhen and Skinny and I can't fall asleep so we're next to this little boy playing soccer on the computer and another middle aged man typing on the keyboards...

So...everything's over.

Well okay not everything, but most of this year is over. I feel like I've waited so long for this moment, but when its finally here... I... kind of don't want it to end. :)

I guess we all grow attached, just as we all will drift away... the only thing that is similar is probably the time.

It gets tiring, the meeting, the growing a fondness for, the leaving, the absence, then the whole thing repeats itself again.

Its so weird typing this.... skinny is staring at the screen and the soccer boy has turned his attention to mine....

Hello I can see you staring. =_=

Hahahaha okay I'll be done soon.

Anyway i have been very absent online but everything will return to normal soon.

Though whatever normal is... I'm not so sure anymore... :)

2011-05-31T23:08:00.000+08:00

好想哭噢...

可是

你觉得現在眼泪有用吗陈美錡？！？！？！

2011-05-31T22:36:00.002+08:00

I don't know who to trust.

Right now, at this moment, I am the most confused I have been in a long long time.

Had a really shitty run. Plus after that got 'advising' from my classmate that was mostly talking about how I have this brain that I don't use, and I'm just learning steps like a robot without digesting it.

Which is something similar to what I've heard from my teachers la. I'm a passive learner and my progress is too slow and all that crap.

And I know its true. I know my mind is rather slow, especially compared to my peers and friends. I may be okay with reading and memorising stuff but when it comes to my own body and dancing I'm not as great as I'd like to be.

Sure I have those damn facilities that people would murder for. But like he said, its a waste on me.

What a waste.

I don't even know whether to take him, and the rest of the world seriously and sit down and rethink my whole 'dream' of dancing.

Or should I just stuff all their opinions back up their own noses and go on doing my own thing.

Its so contradicting. Art and performance are so contradicting.

Still, I have yet to see anyone appreciate my kind of art hahahaha... especially not myself ohgawd I look so disgusting on video. No turnout, movements look so half-hearted and I got this expression of a tortoise.

Okay I might be exaggerating.

But at that moment, when I was already disappointed with myself for falling from my ban hou tui AGAIN (which is only like everysinglefuckingtime I do it) I had to hear all that come from a peer whom I find very difficult to respect.

That said, I still do respect everyone in this industry whether its a teacher, senior, peer, junior or student, which is why it is bothering me so.

You think I want to be stupid? You think I want to make mistakes? I don't blame anyone for my own mistakes.

I hate Lumi cos she plays mind games and I've had enough of her high pitched screams of MEI QI this and MEI QI that.

I don't know la!!!!!!!!

Anyway I suck at dancing suck at choreographing I don't know whyyyyy I just do, and just when I started finding it fun to dance again (because we have NEW stuff to do) I feel like the whole world's come crashing down again.

I've had it of feeling like shit. I say this a million times but a million more times it happens.

This poor blog has been reduced to like a ranting place for me to dump all my anger and disappointment on myself.

What a waste, really.

The thing is, I really don't know how to think for myself. If I knew I wouldn't be led around by the nose by different people. If I knew, I could decide who to trust, instead of not trusting anyone.

Sounds dramatic but you never know. Everyone has a hidden agenda, even if they themselves don't know it.

So I've always been alone not because no one wants to come near me, but because I don't want people to come near me.

Okay I'm like digressing, but anyway, I've decided that I don't know about the future, but for tomorrow, all your harsh words and criticism can go to hell.

If you don't know how to fix a problem, don't harp on it, since you're just proving yourself as brainless by repeating the obvious.

If I fall again, (as I surely will) it is because it is too long. I suggest you change cast even, since I can't do it. Or change action. Or don't change and watch me fail.

Not that you aren't used to watching me screw up your pieces.

I have big huge doubts for Young Talent Showcase.

I have big huge doubts about myself.

When can I be proud of myself?!?!?! Can it please be soon.

And I don't mean full marks for music test or anatomy homework.

Something that can be used to earn money please. Let me not be useless.

Please.

2011-05-21T23:48:00.002+08:00

Met Ah Liang and Yongyong and her mum today.

Finally bought my watch. :D

And a dress. >_<

Haha okay la time for some shopping la.

After rep I'm gonna dye my hair.

Sometimes change is good hahaha...

Tomorrow wear nicer a bit, maybe I won't always be such a grouch.

Re-choreo my Autumn. Cannot tahan the old one. :p

Can't wait to see Yongyong and Ivonn they all again. :D

Major holiday mood coming on!!!

Oh and... time to lose some weight. -_-

2011-05-20T18:23:00.002+08:00

I dunno maybe I should try to change cos like that means the way I am now cannot la.

Then I thought I tried changing liao but apparently not enough or not in the right way or both la.

Then now I don't know if I should change even more or actually in the beginning I've never changed before.

It may all sound very nonsensical... like change what do what why you talking like some weirdo, but even though I am HAPPY with the way I WAS, I am not who I was now and whatever I was last time and whatever I am now, its not what the HKAPA chinese teachers want.

THEN WHAT YOU WANT seriously.

Its not the first time I've thought of switching streams cos I can't stand the way chinese dance works, or the way the teachers think.

Its not totally traditional pedagogy but for goodness sake I can never understand what they mean.

Maybe its cos I'm stupid, maybe its cos our frequencies don't run on the same line, but can't you just say out what you want huh?

Anyway personally if I were my own teacher I would know I'm a very mediocre dancer too.

I've improved but its not enough...

I really... know its true but how can I change that?

How can I be what you want me to be?

Why must I be what you want me to be?

Cos we both want the same thing?

We both want me to be a better dancer?

The thing is, I can't teach myself so I can't help myself improve and apparently, you can't either.

I don't know la...

Its not like I don't try, even if I know I don't try my hardest.

How sad, that by working on what I'm passionate about, I can't be happy all the time.

My puny brain cannot take this much info.

I just feel so angry at them, so disappointed in myself and so frustrated that I'm not who I want and who they want me to be.

This sem is over soon, thank God.

I need to leave this place to see clearly.

Or maybe I will never see clearly.

Jiu wo.

2011-05-20T10:23:00.002+08:00

说中了我已经知道的话，我怎么还有那么大的打击呢？

Advising just now, heard some things I didn't want to hear.

I guess I know some of it is the truth, but I don't know if I should trust her totally.

The people whom she says have improved more are not the kind of people I want to be like.

Maybe I really am not suited for chinese dance.

Maybe I really am much more immature than I thought.

Maybe all along I thought I was watching others when actually I was living in my own shallow shallow world.

As long as I'm happy... is it right to stick to this?

Right now I feel like such a piece of crap.

Just need to calm down and think it through.

Just need to calm down.

I think now, I'm pretty disappointed with myself.

But life goes on. Emotions like disappointment don't serve any purpose for anything anyway.

Just continue to look forward to the holidays and not worry about school cos I'm weak that way.

2011-05-16T21:20:00.002+08:00

Quick blog post cos I have a million other things to do tonight which I'm not doing yet even though there's technique exam tomorrow because I'm on Facebook and reading blogs etc yea we're all computer addicts and also I have missed my macbook dearly, especially with all the Mac stuff everywhere in Macau.

Macau was weird, boring, but also very interesting.

I think the thought for today is: Stop thinking about what you are missing or have missed out of, and work for tomorrow, taking in as much as you can.

Somehow I kind of wish that I had this mind that I have now when I was much much younger, in secondary school maybe, so that I could have made full use of my youth.

I mean, not like its over, but I think I only have 2 more school years left and that's so sad....

Other than the fact that I never ever thought working was fun, I want to try different kinds of learning environment and meet different people.

Even though I hardly ever speak to anyone whom I went with to Macau, I think its always interesting to see how different people can be, and to figure out how and why they think that way.

Even though it may seem like I enjoy judging people, I think what I mean is like, I'm seeing so much more...

Even though I'm happy with a simple life(I really am), I love learning and seeing new things too...

So I think its time to stop moaning about how I started dancing so late and how I can never be compared to the best. I am who I am now, but I also have the potential to be better.

I want to dance better, to get more opportunities to see more, to dance more different type of dances.

I'm seeing more and more younger people who are so good. Not only so good at what they do but also they know so much about other things. I know barely nothing other than dance. Maybe I make fewer grammar mistakes and I like to read superficial fiction but other than that I'm quite clueless about anything other than dance.

And even though there are those who think it should be enough, because some people don't even have the chance to do what I have done, I don't think I should think its enough.

In all my living years, I hope to know more and more, and then I will truly experience the saying: the more I see, the less I know. :)

Okay I'm so dead its 9.30 and I haven't finished my paper. -_-'''

2011-05-12T01:47:00.002+08:00

I don't know who you are anymore, just feel like I'm a bother and you're right.

Exams coming soon. We're all busy studying.

I just want to go home, take a long long break from all this monotony.

I hope whatever I have studied stays in my brain please.

I want to go backpacking and hiking and cycling and I don't want to stay in one place and rot rot rot.

But I know I need to be patient and absorb first and be a good student first.

I don't know why I feel so irritated and frustrated but I do and the best solution is to go and sleep.

I feel like I need to apologise for being a bad friend, a bad student, a bad classmate, a bad daughter, a bad sister, a bad person.

But I'm not gonna do that tonight, cos all I wanna say is f you. I'll be a good person some other day.

2011-05-05T21:25:00.002+08:00

Haven't blogged for a long time... I have lots of things to say, but every time I look at this blank box I can't remember...

I must warn people when I sleep in the same room with them, and people who interact with me in the beginning of the month.

Maybe also because its a bad time, with all the assignments and exams nearing, I'm particularly stressed out.

But sometimes I get really tired of the sound of my own voice complaining about the same things over and over again... and even though I really do question myself every time I want to lose my temper, it still doesn't prevent me from getting angry again.

Like you know I dislike my technique teacher so much, its not that she's a BAD teacher, maybe she's just not the right teacher for me...

I know, where got such thing right, as a student its my responsibility to absorb as much as I can from every teacher and do the best I can.

Interestingly enough, a teacher can't pick her students, but the students can (sort of) pick her teacher. Like, its more possible for students to complain about the teacher rather than vice-versa?

I guess, because I am confident in that I have a mind of my own and I know how to judge what is good and bad, whenever she says something or does things that I think is bad, I believe I have a right to get angry...

But the fact is, my mind or my perspective may be biased and wrong right?

Perhaps if she praised me every class instead of scolding me every class, I would not be biased towards her.

In fact, if I got an A in every class, opportunities to go overseas and represent the school outside school, and tons of scholarships and encouragement from the teachers, I would probably think APA is heaven.

But the reality is, I am a mediocre dancer. I forget faster than I remember, lack control of my body and am way too conservative as a performer.

So I don't deserve such a treatment, even if it were remotely possible.

I'm biased, we all are.

Even if my own mother nagged after me everyday, I would not look forward to seeing her face everyday too.

Oh man... talking about my mother, its Mothers' Day this Sunday. To all the blessed people who have the fortune of being with your mum on this day, please make your mummy feel loved. :) I wish I had the opportunity.

But its okay, I'm going back in a month plus a bit. I don't know what I'm specifically looking forward to, perhaps I just want to leave this atmosphere.

The people I know all know dancing professionally is anything but easy, but I don't think you'll really understand the extent of the misery until you experience it for yourself. And even those who have studied dance full-time but never had the (mis)fortune of being able to do so overseas, in a big dance school or a big dance company, it'll be difficult for them to sympathise with what we're going through.

The vital point here is that I'm not someone fitted for this job. Maybe I can blame it on the way I was brought up, or some chromosone in my genetic make up, but I don't like the spotlight, and I don't like having to try my best to stand out because I DON'T WANT TO STAND OUT I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY DOING WHAT I LIKE DOING, BY. MYSELF!!!!!!

But no. As a dancer you are sort of supposed to stand out and push past your boundaries etc etc etc.....

好辛苦啊....

Hahaha Lo Sir is so retarded.

Wa....

I dunno la. I officially think too much liao. Just let me do all my homework, and dance happily.

Even though I know that these few weeks, 'happy' will not be on my mind, but oh well... keep going elibird, keep going...

No matter what the people around you say, don't let yourself be affected, because you are yourself, and ou don't need to answer to anyone if you don't want to, not your family, not your friends.

Maybe I'm getting used to being alone (or maybe I miss being alone)... there are many things I rather not share with others, because I don't want to hear what they have to say about it, or even worse, ignore it.

I miss eating at home.

I can't wait for June.

2011-04-18T20:03:00.008+08:00

When the first time I blog in a long time is a meme, you know I have nothing better to do.

Actually I do. I have chor to think about, and research paper to think about, and I am refusing to touch the both of them like the procrastinator I am. :p

Write a letter to:

Your Best Friend

I srsly gotta cut down on my spending... T_T

---

Your Crush

YOU'RE AN AWESOME DANCER OMG.

---

Your parents

Mummy Daddy I miss you! :(

---

Your sibling (or closest relative)

All the best for your SYF and Os! :D

---

Your favorite internet friend

More like you're almost my only internet friend hahaha but even more so you're my awesome friend so, lots of <3!!! :D

---

A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

I wish I knew you more. Your life story sounds like a novel.

---

The person you miss the most

Its sad to know that I'm not missed, but that's life ey? :)

---

Your reflection in the mirror.

you could really do with a little less chocolate.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO....

Anyway Shenzhen was okay. Don't really like the place but liked the people I went with... they were a right laugh. :)

Had a lot of fun, even though usually I would be damn pissed by the place and the people there. :p

Thanks to Jim who took care of us at his place. :)

Went to watch Sex and Zen with a whole bunch of my classmates/streammates today... really not very good movie, but i guess it was an eye opener. -_- Lots of gore too, which was really gross. Ergh.

Just two more school days to Taiwan! :D I would be happier but I think next month my expenses are seriously in jeopardy...

I wish there were better libraries in Hong Kong... :(

I miss home...

Really wish I had the weekends to go home.

And I think... I'm a difficult person to get along with sometimes. -_- My character kind of unfriendly and gu pi, especially among these bubbly people... sometimes I feel like I very spoilsport. :(

Oh well...

2011-04-11T08:22:00.002+08:00

A little more than one week to Taiwan.

*ignores the homework and presentations due

Just observing a little change online... and I think its the biggest irony ever. But I'm glad things changed the way they did.

I'm fine where I am. Having to find a completely new goal is okay, as long as I have one.

It hurts sometimes. But that's the price to pay I guess. You can't have all the roses if you can't deal with a bit of thorns.

2011-04-02T21:28:00.013+08:00

HELLO COMPUTER I HAVE MISSED YOUUUU!!!! :D

Hahaha back in Hong Kong after a week in Macau. A very interesting week that I'm glad to have been able to experience. :)

The performances were great. The rehearsals were quite sucky la, and actually every performance there was some mistake or other too, but bo pian la, call me a slacker but I really think we did a good job for 2 weeks of rehearsals only lo.

Loved being backstage, they had everything, a marquee on stage right and stage left for the girls to change in (the guys just changed wherever hahaha), a table for hair stuff (with different kind of pins, hairnet, hair gel, hairspray, water in the squeezy bottle so your lipstick doesn't run, combs, conditioner to make the wigs smoother), all the props were preset backstage at easily accessible areas, wardrobe people to help with quick changes...

Nice. :)

Plus the emcees were really good. Can see the guy is totally used to dealing with students hahaha...

I will miss dancing those dances... I will miss watching Mulan. I will miss feeling damn high when I'm dancing Travel, high until i forget steps. -_- That actually did happen.

I will miss that 'YES!' feeling when I don't wobble for kong zhi. -_- hahahaha...

The performances were good, the only time I felt like PRESSURE was the last show where some teachers from APA came to watch, but before that I felt super nervous too.

When I'm nervous I can't stand properly seriously. Even doing one feng huo lun I can wobble also. Quite power.

And backstage, I really will miss the 四朵金花 and their nonsense and the laughing until crying... XD Mankwan, Banban, Kukli and Hoitung are really... amazing hahaha...

I will miss the wearing the HKDC jacket everywhere.

Our long table where we all sat doing our makeup and talking and reading gossip tabloids (and for me my book) and eating cake cake cake.

I was really impressed by the way they always had a bus to fetch us everywhere. And it would come on time and stuff, I dunno I just followed...

And after the first day I realised quite pointless to go out during lunch to buy food cos we all eat super heavy buffet breakfast every morning (T_T I will miss you my delicious croissant and all the other yummy fooood..... ) so by 1pm we're not that hungry yet and if we go out there is nowhere nearby that is like a fast food place or a foodcourt or a char can teng. And I don't wanna walk forever to eat at a japanese restaurant.

Even though I did manage to order a zhu pa bao one day with the seniors, but other than that I just ate stuff I bought from the supermarket near the hotel. :D

Class everyday was really just for warmup. The longest we had was like one hour and the shortest like a bit more than 1/2 hour only. And it was ballet everyday. On one hand, glad to do ballet again, but then I would've liked to do some new chi dance exercsies too, since I never ever ever ever have the opporrtunity to. :)

Pictures of class!

Barre.

Wu lou c has an awesome jump hahaha...

Star jump that I do not know how to do.

Nice! Me, Peggy, Eunice and Nat Chung... too bad timing and arms not together...

Zhan Qian super flex.

Hahahaha Ah Ken trying his hardest...

Ho Ho Fei and Yang Yun Tao :D

Mirror barre

While rehearsing. erm... at least I'm not shaking la. -_-

Aerial splits yo.

Lai Ming Jie! :D

The 2 ballet princesses :D

This is rehearsal.

I think this is a cool picture but not a cool pose. -_-

JUMP!

ey ey check out the freaks (and the slackers behind) hahaha...

eunice super spoil market. -_-

beautiful pink lines hahaha

Yea. So that was class...

I dunno why there's no link to share an album of photos on Facebook anymore, but most of my pictures are on Esther's page cos she brought her laptop.

I dunno if people who aren't her friends can see but oh well I don't wanna double upload either hahaha...

I went for a bit of sightseeing, we didn't have much time... but I saw St. Paul's ruins or something at night, went to the Venetian twice, went to Kunya street to buy all the food (can't wait to give them hahaha I miss my friends here :D)...

But the time that I loved the most, was when I went out or stayed in our room with just Skinny and Esther. We talked about alot of random stuff but I think its a nice chemistry between the three of us. :) Like something I have with the other 3 girls (ruimin zixin tingyu), but of course much more different.

But its still that 'really happy to see them and be with them' feeling... even though the 3 of us are more like old people, one forever on the com, one forever reading and one forever sighing, but its really nice when we go out for walks or to see the golden sand circle in Casino Lisboa, or when we're just in our room watching Man VS Wild and squealing at the worms and the eyeballs whatever... hahaha....

It was nice. :)

The whole trip was nice.

Along the way there were times when I was really nervous, or really disappointed with myself... and that same question kept going round and round in my head, whether I really dislike performing, or I'm just scared of it? And Skinny said something that really made me think. In fact he said many things that really made me think... but its all things that I already know, its just that his reminder really....erm... reminded me. -_-

Why do I let myself be scared and run away from things instead of not caring and just trying?

Why do I let myself change my no into a yes?

Hmm...

Production week ahead. Scared....

2011-03-28T02:10:00.002+08:00

It's not a bad thing to want to be happy.

I hope you are all happy people.

Missing many things, whether I smile or sigh when I remember, I'm thankful for the memories. :)

Tomorrow, Macau.

In a way I've never felt more accomplished, more excited since the beginning of this year. But then again sometimes I feel alone.

Its lonely at the top of the bull. I'm not sure that's where I want to be, and I'm not sure if its bad of me to be unsure.

I can take care of myself. That's what I've been doing since I came here. It may not be what I want, but I have the ability to do it and I apply it.

My luggage is sort of overflowing....

2011-03-24T10:46:00.001+08:00

really tired.

cannot blog properly.

too many things in my head.

Nat Chung and the other ballet people are crazy good.

sometimes I really feel ashamed to call myself a professional dance student.

today costume run.

tomorrow first period.

im hungry.

2011-03-22T23:41:00.002+08:00

Its late and I really should be getting to bed.

But I'm feeling a bit lonely and a bit homesick.

Also a bit tired and stressed out.

Worrying about remembering the steps for the Macau show, remembering the changes made in class, just doing everything right la.

I really feel like letting go of everything and not worry about my horrible short term memory so much but I know now is definitely not the time.

Its awkward. To be given this huge opportunity. I don't know how to talk about it, and I can feel the weird tones that people use because I'm the one in my shoes. And the thing is, I do care.

And I don't want to think like f you la I got it so suck it up. I know its by pure luck that we have this chance, and there are so many benefits, and I don't know how to deal with it.

And just nice this is the period that lumi is starting to pick on me, telling me things to piss me off on purpose so that I will supposedly do better, but I really am too tired and bored to do so.

School is boring. Especially the closer we get to the exams the more we repeat everything. I understand the need for it but I don't enjoy it.

Especially when in like folk class and technique class and in many classes we're just repeating what we did since the beginning of the year.

I know every dancer has a love hate relationship with dance, but it scares me sometimes, how intense the hate can be.

And I probably need friends who have things other than dance on their minds to hang out with, because I don't know, there's more to life than dance?

But who bothers about my moods, there's poor Japan and the conflict in Libya and all sorts of bad stuff happening in the world.

Sometimes I really can't help but think if the world ended in 2012, it would be for the better.

All human beings are capable of are hurting each other. I have not seen many sacrifices made for other people in this industry. Everything is about me me me me being the top me being the best me being the lead etc.

Wonderful culture.

I dunno. I just really need to sleep and sometimes I wish I had someone who was willing to sacrifice everything for me. Hahaha I'm such an oxymoron, but it would be nice to not be obsessed with the idea of perfection and quality and stuff.

我也想活得太开心...
可能我是想念那些过得太开心的日子吧...
有了梦想，其他的都失去了
值得吗?

2011-03-17T07:26:00.002+08:00

I might be thinking things too thoroughly... then again, based on the way I usually don't think before doing things, I suppose it should be encouraged.

Rehearsal last night was tiring and frustrating, but not in the non-stop dancing way. We did kong zhi and learnt this new dance which is damn difficult cos its jazz but plus all the shou jing hua things. -_-

I hate shou jing.

I'm really sleepy now, but I got 10 more mins before I need to leave e house. :(

Sometimes I don't know if I have this really dark evil side that is seeping through whenever certain things happen. I just have a really bad feeling that one day I'll become thoroughly evil and mean. :(

Eh... weird to talk about but I think I might have become someone I don't like.

Okay many sad faces but no today is okay, just one dance class.

I hope miao zu is nice. :)

I hope the weekend comes real soon.

Jiayou Elibird! Chiong past Friday and you'll be safe! :D

(next week though, you may die)

2011-03-16T14:16:00.002+08:00

lunch post.

Sitting on the green bench, looking at people walking past...

Lots of contemplative posts after the japan disaster...

Life could be better...

But i suppose,
it will do for now. :)

Except i really wish my blister would stop reopening. -_-

2011-03-15T23:48:00.002+08:00

Blogging while waiting for my clothes to finish washing, which is soon...

Once I finish hanging them up I'll sleep immediately...

So the rehearsals have started, they've been efficient and productive and not so tiring yet...

Learnt a retro dance thing and a jazz piece, really pei fu the jazz teacher. She's not young anymore but she still got the 'seh' and all... :D

And its really fun to learn new dances and dance genres, even if its a bit stressful to remember and learn really fast. :)

I hope my energy can last me these few weeks. :) But I'm really happy and lucky to be a part of it. :D

Pan Zhi Tao laoshi came today, and he gave a talk about Chinese Folk Dance that I felt was short, sweet and very entertaining. :D

He says what makes Chinese Folk Dance so, are three things:
1. It is geographically specific (this is understood)
2. It existed in the past all the way to the present. Because those that existed in the past is Classical dance, and those that exist in the future are Contemporary dance hahahhaa...
3. It is created, performed, and passed down by their own people.

And his talk really makes me wanna go visit the ethnic groups in China. Like live with them for a short while and experience their lives. :) I hope I have the chance to do that one day. :)

Okay clothes done. Blog about Pina Bausch another day. :)

2011-03-13T17:44:00.002+08:00

Elizabeth is in the toilet now.

Rlizabeth and Ruimin are going to watch a show at TST later, hope its not boring.

oh no Elizabeth is out

Elizabeth loves Ruimin a lot.Yes she does, she love Ruimin more than chocolate mochi

2011-03-13T17:24:00.002+08:00

Wordbites:

-I sprained my neck in Jazz Funk. Which is hilarious because I didn't even sprain my neck in wazu. -_-

-I cut my hair. Its still long. My fringe is still unsavable.

-I miss my Singapore friends too much. Haven't talked to them properly in so long.

-I have blisters from being a smartass and wearing heels I should NEVER WEAR AGAIN. -_-

-Open day was nice. :) Performance was okay la I dunno why I so not in the hyper mood today. Maybe I ate too much for breakfast. :p

-I love IU, the singer. She has a very comfortable yet powerful voice and her songs are nice. :)

-Ruimin is gluing my boots.

-Retarded slanted line FTW. :D

-Ruimin is talking nonsense again. She will never cut her hair short. OMG then she says her hair is short already. (it is not)

-She asks me not to mention her HAHAHAHA she knows me so well.

-I think Zu You does Ba Lang nicer hahaha but ruimin thinks otherwise haha we are not that similar after all. But I mean it like as a dancer not just as a friend or a junior. Sorry M. But Li De is as awesome as ever :D Although he v sian cos huang tai hou take away his thing but then you're still my OUXIANG!!!! :DDD Wa his tao li bei zu he is so nice so nice so nice....

-I am going to watch my class videos. I think I may give up on dancing after this. :(

-I really miss dancing in huay kuan. Like, really really miss. :(

-Tomorrow start rehearsals. Die.

Which is worse?

2011-03-11T22:39:00.002+08:00

A good musician with a lousy instrument, or a lousy musician with a good instrument?

Ran through the Open Day sequence today, saw lots of really cool stuff my seniors and peers and juniors did. I really feel like a kid watching big ge ges and jie jies dancing... -_-

I've never been a dancer that knows her own body, or that even fully utilizes it. I say that I enjoy the sensation of dancing, and I enjoy learning, but how do I balance it out so that I still dance while learning the steps?

I should be called 虛錡 instead of 美錡, I think my body is in a constant halfway state. Its not in any state yet, its just left someplace and not reached its destination and no one knows how long this journey will take and this is my life and it shows in my dancing.

And its pretty clear that I have no idea what my destination is too.

I'll try. I'll try to not get tired from the constant trying and struggling to win the battle against my own stiffness and looseness and instead really stretch myself out.

There's a whole lot of rubbish distracting me from the main point. A whole load of crap outside the studio that affects me. Inside the studio mind games are forever being played and its up to me to choose what character I am to be.

Sometimes I feel so sick of these stupid games. Like please take your attitude and shove it up whoever else that gives a damn cos I don't.

But nah. I just say that in my head, and another voice inside says you're lying.

I wish I didn't care.

Despite hating having to put on a positive face and a positive attitude in class when seriously sometimes its the last place I want to be, or when I cannot get something right, or when I'm simply not in the right mind to focus, all I want is to be a human being and take a break from the madness inside and go outside.

Go outside to the streets where I can feel the wind and the sun instead of looking through the glass to all the people walking on the ground and feeling like why am I caged in?

You see, it is easy to ask these questions on my blog, or to my close friends, but the circumstances in reality are very different.

Why do I even feel that way? I am on the inside because I wanted to come in. I didn't want to wander outside anymore because I felt like I finally found a place that I belong in.

So the thing is, do I continue to be a responsible person and uphold my commitment no matter what, or do I walk out, and leave the place I've worked hard to get into?

I can understand why I have that feeling sometimes, because I'm a runner and I run away from everything. Run away from confrontation, from anger, from negativity, from boredom.

But then again if I really had that kind of freedom (which in itself would be amazing because what have I done to deserve such freedom?), will I be the same me, standing on the streets looking into the glass, wishing I was at the barre staring back at the me down there?

That would be pointless wouldn't it?

Because even though its difficult, and tiring, and oh so frustrating with all the silly words flying around.... I know I have gained as much as I have lost.

Even if I do see a lot of judgement,
a lot of quick, angry words,
a lot of sneering and smirking,
a lot of snapping and sighing,
a lot of shouting and slamming,
even if all of that is directed at me...

I have learnt understanding,
learnt how to hold my tongue,
learnt how to tolerate all that,
and still know when to be a part of all that.

Masks are a recurring topic in my compositions and posts...
sometimes they are dead obvious,
other times I only realise their presence when I look back.

It is a part of growing up - realising things are never as they seem - and learning how to be a part of it is a lesson I never wished for...

But it is a life skill. And this is life.

I think I don't make sense a lot of the time, but writing things out helps me keep my mind organized.

I am extremely forgetful. And I have an uncontrollable selective memory.
That is, I can learn a set of movement pretty fast, if I focus. But tomorrow I will definitely forget it, unless I practice it a few times after class, which I don't.

I am not a proactive student. I tend to get angry when I am compared with others, as in, anger is the way I deal with competition. And remember what I do in the face of anger? I run away. I think 'wth who cares if her leg is higher than mine I already know I suck shut up la'. And I don't really try to get any higher. In fact, if I am in a perticularly bad mood, I may lower my leg a bit just to make my teacher go crazy. :p

But there is an exception: if I see the difference, and no one says it to me, I might take the opportunity to push myself a little more. Its like a question to myself 'I wonder if I can get a bit higher, like her...?' Rather than a immediate 'okay let's not try and be a kid and fight about high legs thanks', when we all know who's the real kid. :p

Also, I forget dates and numbers and events especially easily and if you need proof you can go ask Ruimin.

I am a dreamer.

11:11

......

I am a dreamer. I have many ideas, they come at the worst of times. When I am watching a show, when I am showering, when I am about to sleep (!!!), when I am on the ferry etc. And I get very excited about them! I lengthen and fill them up and then I tell someone (usually ruimin). And that's the end point.

I am not very interested in the real details. Like if I say 'hey! one day when we all graduate we can go california to play in the biggggggg disney world or whatever!', I really do mean it. That idea makes me very very happy. :D But, when it comes to the actual planning, the saving of the money, the booking of the flight tickets and the arranging of the time and stuff... it becomes tedious and boring. For me.

Anything that is tedious and boring takes a lot out of me. It takes alot for me to carry and persevere through it, or alot for me to convince myself that it is not boring, so it is worth all the work.

I'm still trying.

As you already know, dear blog reader, I complain a lot.

But I'd like to suggest that I do not complain too much. There are somethings not even worth me talking about but there they go running their mouths off about it again.

And I may not mean what I complain. If I complain of aches I know it is a temporary state. If I complain of boredom during the holidays I know its is a temporary state. If I complain of tiredness I know it is a temporary state.

But it is human to complain. So bear with me, kindly so.

My first instinct to anger (directed towards me) is anger (in return). So if you snap at me, or shout at me, or roll your eyes at me, I might walk away (or slap you, but I am hardly that dramatic).

I believe that anger is a result of a lack of control. Like a tantrum, or a fall. I know not everybody has great control over their emotions but whoever screams in my face really doesn't deserve any respect from me, no matter how long their CV is. Not that they can use my respect for anything practical, so they might not care.

But it is amazing to see such uncontrolled fully grown human beings, I think it is funny sometimes, resulting in laughter or bitten down smiles at the worst of times.

But then again the title of Queen of Bad Timing has already been taken.

Sorry Your Majesty.

I have been babbling for too long about nothing. Whoever reads until this sentence is quite amazing.

Give yourself a pat on the back!

Or give me a virtual high 5. :p

FIIIIIIIVEEEE~~~~ :D

2011-03-10T22:12:00.002+08:00

hi nat. I forgot your dog's name and i bet you haven't read my blog in years. :)

Ruimin is a weirdo please shaddup you are freking me out. Omg i mean freaking wth is freking anyway?

I am too full leh... :( touchscreen qwerty keyboards are ew.

Technique classes have not been awesome, or utterly crappy. :l

Ruimin is being damn paranoid i dunno what's her prob. Then she not scared lumi think she v za meh? You are a weirdo, and i am too full. Ruimin is stuffing me to death and later still got choc cake omg kill me now i think i forgot how to use punctuation.

Ruimin is awesome at ignoring me and i suck at ignoring her.

Omg she is shutting down her com why why why stop it!!!

-_-

Stop being scared for tomorrow you are freaking me out.

Btw ruiling we emailed e hostel to book le, they havent replied yet.

Btw aaron i v long never talk to you liao.

Btw zu i had a relatively better class today but who knows about tomorrow? Only heaven knows...

Oh she restarted her com.

Oh why am i stuck with such a creepy person everyday?

And she thinks i am talking about someone else but NO i am talking about you li ruimin! >_<

I wanna sleep now...:(

I wanna watch secret garden...

We gonna surprise tingyu later and if she reads this its not gonna be a surprise anymore. :p

I miss home.

I miss you the most B! :(

2011-03-07T22:05:00.002+08:00

Very long never blog liao hor.

Don't like this year so far. Feels too different. Like since the beginning I've been trying to cope trying to cope and there's not a time where I feel like I am comfortably resting in the past.

Ohwell that's not a bad thing.

Watched I am Number 4. Scary show, but nice. I think there will be sequels.

Watched NYCB, not bad... very good technique but not the perfect skinny skinny body types. I kind of nodded off in Balanchine's Symphony in 3 movements though. :p Very boring la.

Jerome Robbin's Dances at a Gathering and West Side Story Suite was better but really super long.

Starbucks's Italian Cheese Stick is awesome. :p

After that while waiting for the ferry ride back to Wanchai, ruimin and I were like damn high on dunno what say whatever also laugh one. Wow haven't felt so giggly in a long time. :) Was really nice. :D

What did we do on Saturday?

Oh wait Sunday morning we had dim sum with sam gor and it was really filling. Love going out with zixin and tingyu with ruimin. :)

Oh I know, we watched I am Number 4.

Sian why my msn sot sot one.

Friday performed site, pictures on Facebook. I wasn't very good, everyone saw me screw up but HECK LA it was fun and I'm gonna make sure I keep thinking that way! *sulks*

Hahaha... its okay there's always next time.

Tired.

Fat.

Cannot care less.

:p

Miss home. Have been dreaming of the same people for a few nights now. Kind of freaky....

Sometimes I wish I had a dog. :)

Pictures from our 佤族 performance at Tsim Sha Tsui

2011-03-03T21:18:00.001+08:00

And one last photo:

We all look very unglam but sigh I have no idea what ethnic group I'm portraying.... -__-'''

2011-03-01T23:23:00.002+08:00

Videos we keep watching in Choreological Studies class:

Falling Angels - Jiri Kylian, Nederlands Dans Theatre (1989)

Petite Mort - Jiri Kylian, Nederlands Dans Theatre (1996) Part 1

Warning: Contains explicit language but I doubt you can make out the accent anyway. -_-

The Cost of Living - DV8

Enter Achilles - DV8

Amelia - Lalala Human Steps (2002)

One Flat Thing, reproduced - William Forsythe, The Forsythe Company (2000)
Yay! I went to look up the dance and all I can say is wow... this goes so far beyond the studio and beyond the technique classes and everything I've learnt so far. :D Go check it out: http://synchronousobjects.osu.edu/content.html

Have never watched this before but heard of it before, I think its really cool, though a bit over the top to have the whole piece done this way. Turn down your volume if its blasting cos I cannot tahan this music its so irritating. -_- hahaha...

Mortal Engine - Chunky Moves

2011-02-23T00:03:00.002+08:00

I think I am tearing myself apart from the inside out.

Thank God for the 3 宝贝s I have with me, to do the project and to just eat and talk...

If not for them I really would have a really horrible Sem 2.

Sometimes I really wonder how I tahan-ed sem 1.

And you know what's the best thing?

Not a single person can understand how much I'm suffering, because only I think what's happening around me is crappy.

Fact is, life isn't that bad, its just me not being able to get over my own laziness and close-mindedness. To the point that I feel like I really, really need to run away.

Its so strong you know the feeling... I want to run away every waking second. But there is nowhere to run to (that will solve my problem) and I have to be there.

I know its really irritating for the people around me to see me like this all the time, but I don't know how to get out of this either.

Sometimes I walk along the hallways thinking 'omg I hate this so much why am I walking to class why?!?!?!'.

And then I feel like I'm so dead why do I hate class I used to love it.

Its okay I won't expect anyone to understand such absurdity.

Just let April come soon, or let me be so busy I don't even have the time to worry about all the things I am busying about.

And you know, I'm tired of being who I am, regarding that. Ah whatever I am being vague again but sometimes I wish for once you could have a bigger presence in my life and I don't need to worry about bothering you because I'm only part of your courtesy.

Okay that may not be grammatically correct but I'm just tired of worry la dammit. Tired of freaking out tired of freaking you out tired of everything tired of being tired.

I just wanna be happy.

I always say that there will be a point I will skip class and go somewhere and do something to just make myself feel better.
But nonsense. I will never do that because you miss that day's lessons and you still have to come back in the end to catch up and then you feel shittier.

Its like throwing a tantrum and pushing all the things on your table onto the floor and then having to pick them all up again when you calm down.

I don't know what I need. A new teacher, a new syllabus, a new school.

I need to grow up and suck it in that's what I need.

Argh sick of complaining alreadyyyyyyyy!

I don't wanna be the kind of person who puts a smile on her face so the world won't know my pain and all that kind of emoshit I'm not good at that so f it I'm just gonna shut up and wait for the blackface to go away.

I have become so weird. I don't even know who's that in the mirror anymore. I don't know how I dance, I don't know how I am as a person, I just don't know anything anymore.

Or maybe I am just confused as usual. I sound pretty screwed up huh.

T_T

2011-02-21T21:12:00.002+08:00

We are 15 minutes late for meeting Ting Yu.

In the com lab doing homework, its pretty rushed and we're not that satisfied with it. Perhaps it will show in our grade too.

Almost skipped school/classes today cos I was feeling severely frustrated from stressing out about the homework, stressing out about the performances and just plain not feeling like going for class.

Some more every other class kena scolded, not me la everybody got scolded together and I got really mad on more than one occasion and I think I said this before but I'll say it again technique class trains my patience the most.

Its not just today that was shitty, its been awhile now, I just don't know how I'll handle it when the exams start coming, and instead of homework I actually will have to memorise stuff and movements and everything and omg please kill me now.

Haven't had any rest this weekend, even though I feel really happy to be around Ruimin Zixin and Tingyu, but I'm really really tired. Tired of dancing chinese dance, tired of studying, tired of being scolded, tired of trying to keep my spirits up when actually, I feel angry most of the time.

I really wish I had the Woodlanders around to make me laugh, or complain to, or just y'know, be anywhere but in school.

I don't know why I force myself to go to all the classes too sometimes. Fulfil attendance? Look like a good student? I never wanted to become like this you know, like go for dance for the sake of going for dance.

I dunno why I become like this. I don't know why it bothers me so much either.

I really hope Deg 1 ends soon.

Someone save me.......

2011-02-19T23:09:00.002+08:00

I've found my happiness... in Breathe. :)

The music is stuck in my head, and when I listen to the song I feel like dancing along no matter where I am, on the streets or at home.

I haven't felt like this about a dance in a long time. :) Not when I'm alone and there's no one to joke around with, I haven't felt so excited about a piece.

Perhaps it is just the feeling of coming into contact with something 'new', but I'm glad its let me have a taste of the passion that I haven't felt for a long time.

This is when there is no expectations from myself, and when I throw away all expectations from others, since I am totally unexperienced.

I wish I could feel this way about all my pieces, but still I'm thankful that I have this thing to make me smile.

Covered in bruises from different stuff, Ming's piece, situps on the floor, sword, etc. but I feel proud when I see a bruise (unless its cos I bang myself on the floor, which I do alot of now since the floor is not my friend anymore D:) cos I got it from dancing muahahaha....

But enough laughing over stupid stuff. I have homework to be done today. Tonight.

It is 11:48pm.

Different perspectives...

2011-02-18T23:44:00.003+08:00

but they're all me.

Wait It Out - Imogen Heap

Stop Crying Your Heart Out - Leona Lewis

Mighty to Save - Hillsong

Sometimes all you need is the right song to keep you going... :)

2011-02-18T06:43:00.002+08:00

Been having bouts of cold weather recently... more like since I've been back the whole week's been particularly cold.

But you know I like it. :) It wakes me up sometimes.

This week kind of tiring and depressing, cos my dong bei yang ge and contemp cannot make it.

I remember thinking during folk class that I will never do a dong bei item if we need to do solo cos I don't fit that style.

You know all that talk about being a versatile dancer... I'm not one.

I don't know how to move my body outside of chinese dance anymore, and I've forgotten all the contemp steps, so basically I'm an empty shell... a robot.

Give me steps to learn yea I can learn it but its not mine. I don't know how to breakthrough.

I know its not something you can get from trying HARD, so I'm trying to cut myself ~~a bit~~ okay alot of slack and get back the connection between my brain and my body, because right now its just my brain doing the work.

And my brain isn't exactly very efficient.

Kind of disappointing, cos I know I wasn't like this in the past...

Lost the feeling of enjoying class a bit too... now its just a responsibility and standards to meet.

They said I should find back the feeling of enjoying dance first... but I don't know why I can't seem to do it.

I'm hoping this is temporary, cos I have lots of homework and presentations and performances to rehearse for, and dragging this me around is not exactly fun.

I hope I will wake up one day and the world would've shifted a little, and I would've changed my mindset, and everything will be okay.

Good luck.

2011-02-17T01:13:00.002+08:00

I look back at some of my favourite memories with a frown when I see photos of those moments.

And then I can't see anymore.

Hello everybody, its only the third day of school.

We have 2 presentations to prepare for by next week, one shenyun writeup to do and a whole new dance genre to learn by next week too. Oh and not to mention a performance next saturday and on the thursday of the week after that.

I'm not aching that badly, I've had worse. But my muscles are tired, and even though I tell myself in class each day that this will train me, I can tell there is only so much longer I can take all this in.

I'm too tired tonight to think.

Today was just a normal day. I hate to think of when I start rehearsing for macau.

I think I might die... unhappy.

Let's see...

Right now I don't know what I want and what I need. Okay I know I need sleep and I want someone to take care of me. Maybe its cos I'm too tired and cranky tonight.

I pray to God tomorrow I will wake up as fresh as a daisy and be freaking happy for once.

So many things happening... why am I not looking forward to them? Maybe a good night's rest will change everything. Maybe.

I miss home. I miss feeling like I'm happy to go out. I miss the people I hung out with. I miss loving dance.

2011-02-13T18:27:00.002+08:00

There is nothing to do.

Too many memories of the past two weeks flooding my mind.

I swear the next time I won't go back so early.

This has been a horrible weekend, the only awesome things being sleeping for 12 hours and talking to Zu on MSN after a lifetime of not.

How do I make tomorrow come faster?

How do I make 4 months pass like lightning?

There is more to life than dance.

I just want to be with you guys again.

Being a kid but whatever, I miss home.

I miss Woodlanders.

I miss 26 Paya Lebar Walk.

I miss everything so much.

There's a hole in my heart, and tears don't fill it up right.

2011-02-12T21:22:00.002+08:00

Some people know for how long I've been talking about getting a pair of high cut sneakers, but its difficult to find one design that I really love...

One pair that I have always been looking for is the Alife Puma First Round sneakers, but there are only 500 pairs in the world so... -_-'''
(http://www.kicksaholic.com/alife-puma-first-round/)

I found some others that look nice...

Women's First Round sneakers with rainbow by Puma
(http://www.aboutsneakers.com/puma-shoes/women-first-round-sneaker-with-rainbow)
The stars on the side are sort of rainbow coloured... I think I prefer the darker one because I don't really like the shade of blue on the white one.

Nike Women's Dunk High for Valentines' Day 2011
(http://www.aboutsneakers.com/nike-shoes/nike-women%E2%80%99s-dunk-high-for-2011-valentine%E2%80%99s-day)
I love the cartoons hahaha but I would prefer something with colour. :p

Classic Puma First Round Scroll 80 for Women
(http://www.aboutsneakers.com/puma-shoes/classic-puma-first-round-scroll-80-for-women)
I like this! Its simpler, but nice all the same :)

Nike Shoes Dunk high GS in Valentine Theme
(http://www.aboutsneakers.com/nike-shoes/nike-shoes-dunk-high-gs-in-valentine-theme)
Like the details. :) Very sweet...

Nike Dunk High “Dazzler” sneaker
(http://www.aboutsneakers.com/nike-shoes/nike-dunk-high-dazzler-not-just-a-mutant)
Silver shiny shoes hahaha...

Reebok Seven Deadly Sins Pack
(http://www.sneakerobsession.com/7013/reebok-pump-omni-lite-seven-sins-pack/)
Haha this is cool! I would get pride cos its purple but I think i'd be cool if I can find 6 other people to get the 6 other shoes and sins hahaha...
The blue one is sloth which is totally me also hahaha and the yellow one is greed. The other colours are in the link.

Reebok Easter Courtee Sneakers
(http://www.aboutsneakers.com/reebok-shoes/womens-reebok-courtee-sneakers-on-easter-colorways)
Another sweeter shoe.

Okay that's enough for today. I think its difficult to get shoes, especially for me. I'm usually indecisive but when it comes to shoes I'm totally unsure. Like even though the photos are all nice, but in real life it looks different and then they look different on you too, so I'm kind of scared to order online and I haven't really seen any really nice ones in Hong Kong or Singapore yet.

Maybe I just haven't been out enough. :p

Peisi has this album full of nice sneakers on her facebook. :D I like some of them too....

Hahaha maybe for my 21st birthday I'll finally get myself a pair. Good then I still have 8 months to decide hahahaha...

Watching Enchanted on tv now. So amazed at the actress who acts as Giselle. She's really good! Like the Tinkerbell yesterday. :D She makes me believe I can be like her. Which is so dangerous hahaha....

Be sane Elibird.

Another Saturday night in Hong Kong. Same as always, same as always...

Today:
Psychoed into buying HKD190 beauty products -_-'''
No Saturday huaykuan class :(
Not being able to meet friends for dinner :(
Nothing nice happening on V Day :(

Enchanted <3
Giselle <3
Flowers&Ribbons in her hair <3
Narcissistic Himbotic Princes <3
laughing at America's Funniest Videos <3
Qi Fan <3
Getting enough sleep <3

:)

2011-02-10T11:15:00.002+08:00

Aching. Haven't felt my quads ache so vividly in some time. :)

The past few days have been nothing short of awesome, even though I might've looked more than a bit dead cos of my lack of sleep.

Started off right with huay kuan class last saturday, remembered smiling like an idiot while doing all the old old old saturday class.

Sunday went to visit Ding hong laoshi and took her class. Got suanned for being out of shape even though its only been 2 days without class, but in my defence its been almost a year that I haven't touched frappes. :p whatever frappes have never been my strong point hahaha...

Forgot what I did on Monday and Tuesday, probably danced a bit for our hat dance.

Even though our hat dance is kind of retarded, I really like dancing with yongxin and ruimin. :)

Wednesday was chu xi, had dinner with my extended family....

Chu yi went grandma's house then went Zuyou's house which is bigger than my grandma's house hahaha... Ate alot the whole day then went to watch movie with Yingjie Ruiling Zuyou. Yingjie had a car! Its always <3 to hangout with these woodlanders. :)

Chu er went to bai nian. I finished my book and started and finished another book.

Saturday was pig day, slept alot and at night my sis had a bbq for her friends. Watched the Kpop festival on tv.

Sunday went to rehearse for the show on monday then slept over at ruimin's place and almost finished all her love letters. :p

Woke up at 530 on Monday to go perform at Macpherson Sec. Then went home to bathe and settle down, then went out shopping and doing hw and take neoprints with ruimin, met Zuyou at night to go to River Hongbao. Got some nice items but mostly kinda boring, especially the singing. :p

Then went to walk with Zuyou Aaron and Ruimin, weird grouping but its okay, went to MBS and I loved the uncompleted dunno what theatre/museum thing then we ate at xin wang. :)

Tuesday performed at Greenview Sec, small school, with a smaller group of performers but it was nice. :)

Good luck Shihui and Yongxin!!! All the best for Beijing! :)

Then went to collect cake and went home to prepare for the steamboat. The woodlanders came, Ruiling Yingjie Aaron Zuyou and Ruimin slept for awhile in my house. I got a comfy mattress :p Ate ALOT, talked alot also, gave Yingjie his present and cake. :D

Wednesday went to Lasalle to take Albert's and Yaling's class, almost died omg my contemp sucks like shit and Li Ruimin is catching up fine and Ng Zu You is being the star he always is but never mind it was fun. :) And really tiring.

Went to eat then went to bathe then went out to the arcade where we played really retarded games. -_- Hahaha and we couldn't decide what to do wth kept looking to me to make the decision next time I go out myself ugh. :p

But then how can I complain right, going out with 2 of my favourite people. We went to Ah Chews and talked talked talked. :) Then went to City Hall to meet Alisa and Menghooi for YUMMY DINNER (omg I think I never say verbally but then my Lu Rou Fan was AWESOMEEEEEEE :D) and hahaha lots of gossip hur.

Went to watch As if Nothing or something and the climax was meeting with all the other people in the dance industry. The show was kind of boring, didn't really like the choreo. Wasted sia. :p Then went to drink milo with Samantha Andrea Menghooi and Zuyou and then ohhh I start to sad already cos I'm leaving~~~ on a jet plane....

Hahaha but okay la I slept and then woke up and now I feel a bit better like 'okay Elibird get your game on time to pis again' and just ignore the following sigh. :p

I don't know why I miss you guys so much when I have ruimin in hong kong but i guess its because the times that I miss the most are when ruimin went to hong kong liao and you guys made my life even better.

Ohwell. I must learn to be strong, and grow up and stop letting myself go to pieces just because I feel sad or bored or tired.

:(

Okay la ending off holidays is always not a happy thing so yea.

The next time I come back, I'll be fitter, have a better temper, hopefully have improved in my dancing a bit more, and I'll have a more open mind and heart. :)

Can't wait for June holidays. :)

I really hope I can stop thinking about those things too. I don't want to become someone I don't want to become. :p I just want to enjoy my own thing. I just hope I can still enjoy it.

T_T

I hope I 學會享受舞蹈享受失敗享受表演享受寂寞享受學習...

想找回真正的陳美錡.

2011-02-04T22:05:00.002+08:00

Hey people its chu er. Random day! :D

So here's something really random:

-_-'''

And I can't tell who's who here. Like I can only say blonde1 blonde2 ponytail centreparting hahaha...

But I'm really impressed with the kind of presence they have on the (super coooool) stage, like they sing and (sort of)dance and they can 'dian' the camera and the audience and be neat and change positions while doing it. I think singers are amazing. O_O
Hahaha okay la find nicer ones...

HAHA I laughed at the lyrics sorry. But I think I would look SO STUPID doing what they're doing but they look cool. HAHAHA fail dancer. Anyway the video quality sucks la you can watch here if you wanna see them do it live on (yet another awesomely cool) stage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0lGvurxQag

And I think JYP is so crazily awesome. He's acting in Dream High as the teacher who helps the underdog group choreo dances and compose music and stuff and his steps ARE SO RIDICULOUS!!!! Like he purposely try and be funny kind, but when they do it its nice leh omg. Mindblown.

Neh.

Okay la he's a good dancer! I jus dunno why I can't take him seriously XDD In the show they always say its his face la... XDDD so bad I know right but gotta admit he's really successful now. :D

Some groups that have members acting in the show (2PM got 2 guys in the drama I think):

Miss A - Breathe
And I like their Bad Girl Good Girl too :)
The girl with the longest hair is the lead character in Dream High. :D She's only 17 this year. T_T

T-ara - I Go Crazy Because of You
The lead singer is super cool. She's the one with the short black hair without the cap and she's so goood!!! She's the sort of antagonist in the show. I think she looks so good in short hair. :D

BoA - Hurricane Venus
Err...randomly put this up cos I think the title and her makeup is cool. Hahaha and of coure the dancing isn't bad too la.

Abrupt end here.

Oh wait. CNY is a fattening holiday. T_T

2011-01-31T18:18:00.004+08:00

Beautiful song. :)

There was once I was like this... though it was difficult, at least I had a working heart.

I think I'm so used to my brain telling my heart to shut the f up that that's precisely what its doing now.
Whether its pushing myself beyond my limits in the classroom or making myself do things I don't want to do to become a responsible person who lives up to her commitments, its always 'shut up elizabeth. stop being so selfish. what you want doesn't matter as much as what others want.'

Right now I feel nothing. Like a bottomless empty shell that can never be filled up.
How do I start feeling again?

Sometimes I can't help but wonder, if things had gone differently, had changed in a different direction, would I be a better person than this?
After all it was the first time I felt like I could sacrifice so much.

如果我開始談戀愛，我可能會完全變一個人。
還蠻想試試看的，就隨隨便便談一談，讓我找一下不同的我。
...
傻豬.

I wish I could enjoy life. I wish there weren't boundaries like time, or commitments, or money, or expectations etc.
But who am I kidding... those things are what makes life life, what makes humans human.

The only thing to do is to suck it up and listen to nice music read nice books and drink nice coffee/tea.

All it takes is a moment of optimism to blow away a week of emoness.
But then again, nothing is permanent. :p

Damn these whacked out hormonal changes. I don't even recognise myself today.

2011-01-31T13:16:00.002+08:00

In related news, I love that it's raining and suddenly everyone's claiming that the weather's reflective of their inner landscapes + tweeting in cryptic verse + longing for the sun (perhaps also forgetting the discomfort of sweaty flannel and the heat-trapping ability of black leggings) + listening to sad bastard music. It's a very complex relationship that Singaporeans have with the weather.

I think Samuel should be a columnist, but even that would be a waste of his talent. :p

2011-01-30T03:32:00.003+08:00

It felt really great today, being in TPY central and going for 3 classes at huaykuan and the dinner+movie after. There were moments where I couldn't keep a smile off my face, simply cos it feels so great. :)

There were moments where I felt 'how awesome it would be if time stopped now'. And that's always a great feeling. :)

But.

Somehow, the balance of my world has shifted a little.

Things have changed a bit.

And I have changed.

There are some things I'm afraid to do now, and there are some things that I feel aren't that big of a deal anymore.

To be honest I didn't feel like this time coming home was such a big deal to me. I expected it to bring me the kind of relief a holiday does, because I really need something to bring me back up again....

But that's a huge expectation to put on a two week break, especially when I don't know what kind of a rest I'm looking for.

Still... the feeling of home... you don't need to think, or analyze, or expect it... it just comes and blows you away. :)

And I'm glad learning how to appreciate coming home is something that I've gained from going to hong kong.

I've learned to expect a lot less, even if my heart is greedy for much more, my brain will consistently remind me that I should not think too much and just for once, really relax.

I really enjoyed going out with them tonight, even though it was spontaneous and really last minute, but I guess at this point in my life I really need some spontaneity.

Thank you, because even though you didn't mean it, I felt like for once in a really really long time, I was myself again.

Contradictory I know, cos I said I changed, but sometimes I really lose myself in dance and in the other stuff in hong kong, which is not a good thing.

It would be nice if I could have a weekend with them every two weeks or something. Especially since our timetables only collide once in a few months till my long holiday, I really always feel like we spend not enough time together...

Haha this is gonna sound stupid and vague, but I think its clear to me how much I would really appreciate it if we were friends forever, and if I always had someone like you to help me find my positivity back.

I'm going to sleep happy tonight. :)

2011-01-25T22:20:00.006+08:00

Been pretty low lately. Not the emoshit kinda low but the sien sien cannot bring my spirits up kinda low.

Feeling like all I wanna do is eat and sleep and I really really really don't wanna take class sometimes, not cos of anything but cos I'm so freaking bored all the time and the time is passing like a snail and I have no idea what's wrong with me.

I'm not even looking forward to going home as much as I should and that sucks majorly, especially since I'm not the one who has to deal with moving house within a week etc.

Have not been keeping in contact with friends properly and with this mood it feels like no one wants to talk/remember/think of me cos you know low moods just get you thinking like that.

But no really, I don't know what I want when I'm feeling like this except for this stupid feeling to go away.

I yawned more then 10 times walking home today. I dunno why the heck I'm so damn sleepy when I slept almost 10 hours yesterday.

Hate this.

Been thinking of the people back home and... I dunno.

Watched Choreographic Showing 1 today, and there were tons of awesome dancers to watch, many of them my peers.

I really hope that one day, I will be able to be like them, and unlock every single part of my body so that I can fully utilize it. I want to feel that sensation of letting go every time I dance.

I can feel it you know, I can feel myself marking and keeping it in and stopping myself or not holding myself at all when I don't want to.

I don't think you know what I'm talking about but I guess that after so long, I'm really not happy with the way I dance.

I like shen yun, and contemp, because they don't just teach me vocabulary, they teach me how to transit within my body and help me to become aware of how I feel instead of just how I look.

I like pei laoshi cos she uses analogies that really help us picture the details that we're supposed to input in our muscles.

This is what I came here to learn, what I came here to do.

I hope one day that I can break out of this Elibird frame and move without boundaries. :p

I hope I am PMSing because that would mean this is a temporary state. But then again you don't need to know that.

I am thankful for the result that I got today. I must remember who I am and what I must and must not do.

TAKE RISKS ELIZABETH!!!!!
you f***ing coward.

2011-01-23T17:28:00.002+08:00

I love Lamma. Love coming home. :)

5 more days.

Met Singaporeans today and thursday.

I love Singapore. :)

There is more to life than dancing.

When I got off the ferry today I felt like no matter wherever I looked there was a painting waiting to be painted haha...

Its okay if you don't get me. I am hardly understood anyway, as I hardly ever understand other people.

I am a lazy pig. And I love it.

There is a superstar-in-the-making singing Karaoke in the living room. Her voice is so beautiful.

I have forgotten which episode I stopped watching my dramas at.

I forget very frequently.

Oh ya. Homework. :(

Been crashing at Ruimin's place. Sorry.

Hello Aaron do you ever visit here hello ello llo lo o~

Hello Zu You you ou ou u u u~

Hello Ruiling I can't wait to see you. :D

Bought new shoes bought a new bracelet yay.

I am not sien.

I love the sunshine and the wind.

Feel like disappearing for a day.

No actually I just wanna be lvoed.

I have no right, I have no right to be unhappy, and I'm not.

I just am emptyyyyyyyy.

If only I could shatter into a million pieces. That kind of a feeling would probably be extreme.

Extremely painful, or extremely awesome.

Hello me me ee ee e~

Haha ignore me.

Sing on, pretty lady...

Places I wanna go (SG version)

2011-01-20T10:49:00.003+08:00

NEXXX
Marina Bay Sands
Esplanade
Orchard
Bugis
ECP
TPY
PLW

2011-01-18T22:16:00.002+08:00

To date, this 20 years 3 months and 22 day old Elibird feels like:

-vegetables have become tolerable, especially when bread is involved.

-tuna and salmon is okay, shellfish is not.

-full moons and sunrises are magic. (you don't get any bling-er than that)

-a bird trapped in a cage every morning when I stretch at the bridge at school and look up into the sky. (how ironic it is when I see birds flying freely beyond those crisscrossing blue barricades)

-a loved one is drifting away. on purpose. (cue paranoia)

-the Scale is being wonderfully pleasant at present. but then she is known for her unpredictable mood swings.

-not dancing. uh oh.

-doo wops and hooligans makes me smiiiillle and (attempt to)snap my fingers.

-long hair is beeeeyooootiful, but the thinness is disappointing and the fringe is a lost cause.

-January is an expensive month.

-morning winds are friendlier than evening winds.

-I am not making full use of this wonderful weather.

-DISNEYLAND IS A MUST GO (ASAP after 21/1)

-there is not one contemp drop of blood in my body.

-somehow I must've unknowingly offended people. Guilt is optional.

-eating breakfast.

-WE CAN DO THIS! The SMT group. or maybe SSMT. SMTS. STMS no that doesn't look nice. MTSS. TMSS. TSMS. MSTS. WHAT IS THIS PROBABILITY SHUDDUP.

-computers are such lifesavers. and humans are geniuses. and we know it.

-tomorrow will be an old day. I will then be 20 years 3 months and 23 days old.

-the day that I turn 20 years 4 months and 3 days old will be a good day. it will be the day I stop staring at airplanes flying past in the sky and be in one myself. :D

-the future does not require much thought. it will handle itself.

2011-01-17T20:53:00.002+08:00

OMG I wanna go disneyland!!!! They're featuring Tinkerbell even the Sleeping Beauty castle become Tinkerbell castle omg I wanna go I wanna goooooo!!!!! T_T

Haha I haven't been blogging.

I haven't been watching TV.

Or my drama.

I have no idea what I did for the whole weekend. It just flew by and I watched The Tourist and Dance Teens and Studiodanz concert and some were nice like Tourist some were okay like Dance Teens and ya.

Hahaha maybe you got it maybe you don't.

Anyway been doing some of my own mindscrewing, not that I'm willing to play with my own mind but sometimes I dunno, age catches up and you find yourself thinking about things not worth thinking about, and I'm sure everyone has their own teenage-adult crisis (there is no plural for crisis is there?).

I think you know I know we all know competition sucks. And whereas some people are okay with it and some people love it, I fall under the complicated category of having to love it but in reality I hate it to the core.

And I thought that was all. But I started thinking...

Competition actually just means you love being the best and it is important to be the best. You're proud of knowing more, being able to do more, being needed more etc.

And I was thinking like okay, as a dancer, what should I be proud of? That I can ban 180 hou tui? That I can turn triples? That I have relatively high extensions? Other than the fact than my 'feats' can be easily topped, what else is there? I'm proud of my huge arch. I'm proud cos I'm the turning prince. I'm proud that I'm a highly wanted dancer.

Of course, these are things we should be proud of, because some of them come after tons of hard work.

But then what is a dancer? A robot with all the above facilities and abilities? Are we trained to be robots or creators? Why is it one class encourages deviance while another enforces discipline?

Does dance help other people? How? How does telling your story help others? In a theatre that sits a 1000 people, how many will your dance or your dancing help?

How come that I, as a dancer, must have a different personality from the human being that I am? Is it that a soft-spoken person cannot be a chinese dancer? Why do I have to act when I dance? Why can't I be myself onstage?

I'm not criticizing any system or person here, these are just questions for the sake of knowing.

But I feel that I am slowly becoming manipulated by the thing that I love, becoming obsessively calculative of everything. I go to school to train my technique, performance and creativity, and it comes with a hefty price tag. Is it worth it? Will I use it? Am I taking the degree with a purely kiasu mindset (i.e. everyone needs a degree)?

And sometimes I really ah... get a bit down cos of all the negativity around me. All the complaining and the gossiping, that is coming out of my own mouth too! Judging everything and thinking our opinions mean anything...

Am I really doing the right thing? Will I grow to hate dance and everything in it? Why is there nothing that is absolutely beautiful? No matter how wonderful dance is on the outside, the core is an ugly mess of jealousy and greed for attention. If it is attention for a meaningful cause how can it compare to a dancer who craves an audiences' applause?

I just don't want dance to become something I dislike. Are my principles as a human and Christian less important than being the best dancer and performer that I can be? Or is it that even thinking about this is selfish and too close minded?

Am I just complaining, again? Am I just trying to find an easy way out of life?

But then again, I'm scared of the stage, I'm scared of being overconfident of my own abilities and I hate the way I look. Dancers are supposed to be exhibitionists, confident and narcissistic. How me?

Its okay if I just don't think so much and go on living my days just simply enjoying the mere sensation of moving... but everytime I'm rehearsing a dance and I feel uncomfortable, or just once in a random while, these questions will come back to haunt me.

Hong Kong should really pass a law that forbids drivers for pressing the car horn for longer than 2 seconds. They freaking abuse it to no end omg.

Today a teacher that we all respect lost a loved one. And she's in Hong Kong while her family is back in her hometown. We all felt really sad for her. I still do.

I can't imagine if I lost someone while I were here. How painful it would be.

Everyone in Singapore take care of yourself please. Don't even get hurt or else!!!

Or else I'll be really sad.

I really miss my friends back home. I haven't been awesome in keeping touch but I think about you guys all the time. Coming overseas alone has really changed me so much.

Its turned my world and my mind upside down and all around, and until now I still don't know which way is the right side up.

And as much as I wish someone had the answers to all these questions, or I would really put all of them away forever and not think so much, I believe that this is part of my journey, and by learning the answers, one by one, I'll grow a bit by a bit too. :)

And even though I love to harp on the fact that I'm alone, I know I'm not, for even if Ruimin and I are on different tracks running at different speeds, I'll still always have God. And that has been and will be such a great comfort to me. :)

It is all by His strength, not mine.

As long as I remember that, I won't panic and worry about things beyond my control. :)

hahaha!

2011-01-13T17:54:00.003+08:00

A very, very fundamental assumption in not just KI but any A level course is that most students have brains, and that these brains enable them to possess faculties for cognition.
-Sam's blog

Hahahaha laughed when I read this. Finding myself getting interested in KI haha but I've passed that part of life so too bad. :p

Anyway I just thought that even though it might not seem so, this is actually a pretty daring assumption to make. :p

2011-01-12T21:48:00.003+08:00

Very long never blog liao. Cos I chasing drama hahaha...

What winter term is boring okay. Watching drama is the most exciting thing in my life now HAHA.

Today was so cold and wet, everyone was breathing white smoke. :D I HOPE THIS HAPPENS AGAIN TOMORROW!!!

I had this crazy urge to skip the whole day of school and go play in this weather. Sure damn shiok one la. :p

But I guai dancer so no skipping school.

Class has been okay la. Everyday I feel like sien I dowan to take class leh, but sometimes it turns out alright. Especially when we learn new zu he.

Hate ti tui zu he so fast for WHAT and I cannot catch up and find my balance and my ti tui looks damn gross la walao.

Turns zu he is nicer but then we're bourree-ing when we should be standing still in demipointe fifth (GAWD I HATE MY UGLY FEET).

The quick turns zu he is siaoness la seriously I'm not holding anything and I could turn today only cos the floor was slippery wth. I dunno what's her problem I dun see how my turns improve at all.

AND PLEASE stop talking when we holding da she yan or when we do tan hai!!!! WTH my yao gonna break already okay.

Today all kena lectured cos we always stand at the side and watch people do and don't do when its not our turn to do. I dunno la, but 1.5 hours of non-stop dancing is tiring lo. Maybe she is superwoman and she doesn't feel tired at all but HELLO I FEEL TIRED OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT IS T I R E D OR NOT?! English cui also cannot like that what right. Human rights please.

But it was good that she lor sor for so long la waste some time awesomeness :D

Walao I think I become damn evil liao la everyday bitch about this woman.

But I have never met anyone who pisses me off so much lo. I was like telling myself to not lose my temper, its not worth it, just ignore her during class if not I sure black face la.

Siao eh I so good mood cos of the weather but sbp really never fails to piss me off lo.

Okay la cannot like that I am a lowly student undeserving of anything and I am pathetic I am lazy I am unprofessional sorry you kena me as your student you super suay.

Whateverrrrr....

Anyway shen yun is boring and rep is crazy we keep playing games and working stuff and laoshi wants me to ban hou tui for damn long I DAMN SCARED WTHHHHH WHY SHE GOT SO MUCH CONFIDENCE IN ME ONE WALAO.

I damn scared la yiiuuuuuuuuuu

Okay cannot scared. Once scared cannot liao.

I not even scared of the chair okay. I scared my supporting leg bu zheng qi T_T

okay fine I practice. If until June I still cannot then at least I try my best already.

本性难改 if I'm not meant to ban tui then I'm not meant to.

BUT I WILL TRY.

Okay I sound crazy. I need a holiday.

No la I think I need a more varied timetable please. I'm so bored of the same classes everyday liao walao.

And I hate fanshens. I HAAAAAATE.

Actually deep down I hope her zu hes will be so flowery and dancey that we cannot do the technique properly and all the teachers will be understanding cos they will be like 'oh its too flowery la they cannot handle so the technique cannot do properly' and we will be graded less stringently HAHAHAHA but no that is never happening not with sbp.

I think it is quite amazing that all of us can ban pang tui though. Even though not nice but at least can do la.

Aiyoh I really wanna skip school tomorrow. T_T

CAAANNNOOOOOOOTTTTT.

Aiyah I won't la I got no balls.

Hahaha I remember today '美錡沒有人要'.

Who say nobody?! Please lo I got ren yao one lo. Mummyyyyy...... XD

2011-01-04T21:54:00.002+08:00

Saw this new Kdrama about performing arts again, but its more about popular entertainment. And there's this line that he says about how a pool game starts with a break, and that's how many of them begin their journeys too.

With a break.

I guess most of us have had it... but then again I must wonder...

Have we really fallen or failed before? Or have we simply been too weak, and made mountains out of molehills?

Maybe we think we've been through hell and back, but in reality its just a day in a life of a professional dancer?

What is pain? How much must we endure to say we have truly gone through failure and picked ourselves up?

It is so easy to magnify our problems and look down on others'...

I enjoy winter.

Even though sometimes I hate the cold and the multiple layers of clothing and the retardation of movement...

But at the end of the day I'm glad for this weather. :)

Everyone is aching.

But I must enjoy the classes now, because this may be the only period in the whole sem that I learn something new. :p Haha just kidding.

The turns routine is... amazing. I can't even do a double now. HAHAHA.

xie2 tan4 hai3 in yi1 wei4 ca1 di.... only her la... -_- hahahhaa....

2011-01-03T20:29:00.005+08:00

First day of school. So so.

Someone has disappeared.

They've joined our class but we're still short of one.

Some people never learn.

Gonna try okay.

Thanks for the presents!

Thank you Ruiling for the tee :)

Thanks Ruimin for everything else. :)

...

I love watching TV and dramas too much.

Today when I was thinking of going home I was grinning to myself like an idiot.

At least I'm a happy idiot. :p

Going home to Singapore.

Though going home to Lamma is good enough.

Tomorrow is another day.

It is 10.15pm.

I have the heater on the floor, my feet are propped up on the bottom drawer, I'm wearing my ugly white specs, my hair is kiap-ed ah ma style, I've been staring at the computer for forever and with all the sniffing I'm doing because of my blocked nose...

ohgawd what have I become. a 20 year old auntie. kao. -_- I hope nobody ever has the misfortune of seeing me like this.

I am going to sleep. Can't stand seeing myself look so pathetic.

TOMORROW COME ALREADY just 25 more days shyt still got so long?! T_T

1.1.11

2011-01-01T13:15:00.002+08:00

Hello. I'm feeling better, but still have sore throat and runny nose.

I wanna eat soup with rice but I dunno Lamma Island have or not. I dowan to go out. :(

Haha... please let me get better soon!! I don't want to start school sick. I confirm cannot tahan one. T_T

It doesn't feel like a new beginning for me. I feel like I haven't figured out enough yet and I'm still confused and I just choose to be apathetic because I can't understand certain things.

I have a pretty new schedule book.

I hope school goes well.

So far in 2010

2010-12-29T14:43:00.007+08:00

I have had 184 (including this one) posts this year...

HAHAHA started off my 2010 wishing all my friends a happy 2012. -_- gawd no wonder I was so stupid for the rest of the year hahahahaha....

In January I was so homesick and missing home and I kind of blasted Xiaxue for giving her dog away and I kena all sorts of bullshit like spammers etc. wth sorry she can have her opinion I cannot, but hello measly me and mighty xiaxue I'm sorry I even typed those words sheesh. Hahaha but only for a short while la.

Then we did huang he and I was so tired. HA! HA! Elizabeth Chan huang he you tired alr ah HA! I laugh in my own face!

Ohgawd emoest post ever: http://dancepassion.blogspot.com/2010/01/do-you-know-how-it-feels-like.html ... but I think its still true...

Hello lookatthis! :D "Class with the new teacher is nice, learning new stuff is always fun for me. :) And I think the way she trains dianbu and tabu fanshens really helps me.
And even though her zu hes are so long, but I think its fun. Surprisingly I find myself missing caiying though. XD"
HAHAHA.

Nice poem:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

-Mary Elizabeth Frye

Walao I got serious mood swings sia. Or I dunno how come I cheered up so much. Is it cos of school?

HAHAHA I remember CC's tech skills:
The eyes thing I cannot blame her la, we were preparing for 蹲组合 at the barre and you know you have to look at a 45 degree angle out? She was like 眼神出来一点！在出来一点！then 哎哟美錡不行！你的眼睛像...像鱼一样！怎么可以呢？要有感觉，感觉是从里面出来!

And I was like wth the only gan jue I have now is I WANT TO SLEEP. And as you can see I must've been doing a great job of portraying it through my eyes. -_-

HAHAHA I am so funny omg.

Okay that's my January 2010. Hahahaha walao this post is gonna take forever. OHYEA HARDCORE REFLECTING FTW.

-_-

i am such a weirdo.

Wow Feb has like lots of questions and wondering about the MEANING OF LIFE and nope haven't gotten any answers so far. I think I just don't care that much now. :P hahaha no the most impt thing of feb is that I returned home for the first time after 5.5 months OMG so freaking long.

I tripped and fell while doing a dian bu fan shen and scraped my knee. I think that is the first time I fell like FELL in class? I dunno. I don't remember.

First class back home was a horrible. Cos they asked me the same qns I've been asking myself, and I don't have the answers.

But then had an AWESOME time with the woodlanders and I think that's like the first time I started hanging out with the 5 of them and I dunno maybe not but I think it started having a special meaning to me from then. :p

Hello elizabeth your 2010 full of firsts ah dont anyhow say first time first time can not. -_-

Okay la actually my 2010 is pretty full of firsts. :p

Anyway had a really good rest in Feb and was ready to go back to school after that.

I think the holiday was the beginning of something else too haha... I remember I was so nervous. sigh i feel so foolish now but yea i'm someone who gets nervous easily la sien.

March was the start of worrying about whether to take the degree program or not. The thing is either way I would never know la. All I know is that everywhere's gonna be so xinku, so let's see how long I can tahan/the money will last and if good things happen to encourage me along the way great, if not then never mind lo.

March is like sian month.

Omg I think I really become uber sien. Like I'm always bored or feeling nothing... but this holiday I really feel like I'm enjoying or rather, living, every moment. Rather than going through the motions and just doing what has to be done. Which is great. I'm glad I'm learning to appreciate the small moments.

I should do that more often.

March ended with me going home hahaha...

Something random:
I really wanna work on taking smaller steps in pingzhuan and chuanfan. I forever like some monkey jumping around liddat. -_-

April:
Circle line OPEN! :D

Maybe its selfish, to be satisfied with so little.

But yesterday felt awesome. :) its just one of those days that you'll unknowingly smile when you think of it lor... and its not just cos i used my octopus card to tap at the MRT station okay. XDDDD

omg that was epic-ly DUMB. XD hahahahha and super funny. I cannot believe how close I was to going to the control station to ask them why my Octopus card cannot tap out. T_T

Why elibird. Why do you do these kind of things? -_-

Okay nevermind. Hahaha point is yea really had fun yesterday. Its been very long since I've felt so comfortable. :) Thank you.

Hahaha epic day and epic mistake. -_-

OMG SUDDEN REALISATION: I havent collected my diploma yet leh! T_T CRAP hope they don't throw it away gawd gonna be a year liao omgomgomg.

Aww april we had our sunflower showing!! :) I miss my sunflower group... T_T zixin jensen ruimin me.

And also that grand battle between my mum and me that I still don't get but you know what its over.

And us three kids have been waiting for our lunch since 3 it is 5.18 now.

Come to me char siew yao gai fan........

Hated watching myself on video. Still do. I HATE SEEING MYSELF DANCE leh i always disappoint myself. :(

Haha emo april. This one I remember quite a bit la cos both ruimin and I were having a difficult time figuring out different stuff...

Okay next is may.

Eh May also emoing but mostly cannot think so much cos got exams. No wait I thought alot.
May is a perfect example of 'think too much'. hahaha...

June was AWESOMEEE :D

Got huanghe finally performed.

Had a great holiday :) Had fun bringing Zu You around hong kong and then June and him came to my graduation and then we were let out for the summer holidays OHYEAHHH :D

So July and August were holidays, and July was better by ten thousand times cos Zu hadn't gone in yet, and ruimin and I went to Cheng and SHHK and it was like my life last time except I slept at 3am and woke up at 12noon everyday ha pig. :p

HAHA just saw this status update from my friend on FB: 'At home with nothing to do is sian. Being in camp is more sian. Doing duty is a lot more sian.'

I think alot of people will agree with it hurhur.

Ya July Mr and Mrs Chong became Mr and Mrs Chong! :DDD

Wa July spammed my blog with songs sia.

And there was the CSTD competition that was a torture to watch seriously. Its so bad its not even funny. Except of course our brilliant Cheng girls. :)

Oh July we started learning shui zhu yao for Cadence. Cadence. Sigh. Hahaha...

August should be watching the huaykuan people get ready for bai she and I was getting ready for Cadence with yongyong and ruimin. Poor yongyong had to run here and there hahaha...

Went to watch SOTA's performance, they have young dancers with great potential...

Oh something nice:

Inception is a true enigma.
Haha I remember looking at you 5 mins after the show started and seeing my confused face mirrored in yours hahahaha!

"If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart, I’ll always be with you."

Wa got this post dedicated to huay kuan I read already also feel touched sia hahaha... especially when I was about to come back, I think my attachment to SHHK was so great... :)

This is me flaunting my flaws: http://dancepassion.blogspot.com/2010/08/too-much-free-time-on-my-hands-makes-me.html
and I think it still applies now... but I'm getting more aware of it and trying to change.

Oh quote from Marshmallows for Breakfast by Dorothy Koomson:

'Ah nah, you see,' I said, stroking my hand over the back of Summer's chair, 'one of the things I'd want is for my kids to have strong beliefs. Even if they're not the same as my own, I want them to be aware of something other than their immediate worlds. That they don't have to sit back and accept stuff because its' easy, that they have the ability and right to effect change.

'If I had a girl, I'd want her to know that she can be anything she wants and that she doesn't have to rely on her looks or clothes or hair or make-up to define who she is or to get respect from other people. I'd want her to know she has a right to be respected or noticed because she was born. I'm not talking about all that girl power nonsense, I'm talking about my girl growing up knowing she has the right to be treated decently simply because she was born.' I was on a roll now.

'And if I had a boy, I'd bring him up to know that being a man is all about feeling good about who you are. Not all that macho bullshit, but feeling so comfortable you dont have to disrespect other people, or put them down to feel good. You don't have to follow the crowd to be a man. He can believe in whatever he wants, think whatever he wants, be whatever he wants without worrying about his masculinity. And I'd make sure that whether my child's a boy or girl they'd know that they don't ever have to put up with being treated badly. Not ever. Nor have to do something because their friends are all doing it. If we're going to change the world for the better, kids need to know that they can by feeling good about who they are and helping others.'

Haha blogged about In the Middle AGAIN.

September was going back to hong kong and feeling very tired cos of my new technique teacher ahemahem. And then Cadence!

Cadence was kind of a disappointment for me, but nevertheless a good experience.

Watched the full length Amelia by Lalala Human Steps which was AWESOME. Erm on DVD only la.

Blogged about relying on myself. Emo. Someone else's post triggered it tho. :p

Walao I gotta go cut hair this post is taking FOREVERRRR.

Cadence came and went, it sucked for me.

Nice steamboat at CK's place, they celebrated my birthday for me so sweet :) <3 tiramisu hahaha...

I think I did 5 ce kongs on my birthday. I don't think I can do it now liao HA.

Learned about Pascal's Wager, will blog about it another time.

Then that's September!

Erm I think October I started to not enjoy technique classes so much...

Or at least started finding more problems with sbp. :p

HAHA 8 Oct post was so funny. XD Thats one angry elibird.
But no la anger never stays long in me.

I think October I started to grow number.

Wao really hated SBP sia. Not hated la like wtf stop pissing us off already!

And wa zu was killing me. killing. me. okay.

omg 28 Oct WANG YABIN CAME!!!! To watch class!!! Throwface max!!!

She watched our barre then helped us with our turns in the centre and she's so soft spoken! And she tried to help me with my balance but I'm sorry... that's something not even a shen like wangyabin can save. T_T

HAHAHA elibird you suck.

Watched 3 Idiots. Really good movie. Even if it is bollywood haha...

Compared Chopin's Etudes to ballet frappes. -_-

The period from end of Oct to beginning of Nov I really felt super uncomfortable. Like there was so much anger and lethargy inside of me? Then November we had our Dance 1. Which brought alot of heartwarming events but also broke me a little.

But its good that we go through these kind of things. Not good that I had to, but I guess I wouldn't have known it in advance that I wasn't ready too so... its over. :)

Woah 7th Nov had a cryfest cos of Everything. Hahahaha!!! Started tearing cos of the pain and the more I tried to control my tears the more I felt tired so yea cried like shyyyyyyyt. :p

But felt better. :)

Quoted from James Frey... tried to cheer my closest friends up but failed and still failing but well some obstacles have to be overcome alone. :)

I am INFP.

Went to doggie cafe was really nice! :D

Blogged about Dance 1.

Ha lost more than one opportunity. Started preparing myself for losing even more.

The week after Dance 1 was awesome. :) Everyone was in a good mood.

Then comes the huge pile of homework and exams and presentations.

December was really STRESSOUT month cos of all that, plus wonderful SBP was being as epicly BP as usual RAH.

But I think so far my results that I know of have been really good in fact. I'm pretty proud of myself. And Ruimin cos some of them we did together.

I don't know how I did for the last few exams but I hope its representative of all the studying I did. :)

I see alot of CAPS in Dec. -_-'''

Hahaha well but school stopped and my family came and we had a FREAKING AWESOME TIME OHYEA!!! :D

Ate lots of stuff, met lots of people, played lots of things. Went to both Ocean Park and Disneyland and even though they were fucking crowded but its still fun! :DD

And like I always say its nice to have company and I think its good that now they've left I'm not damn emo or something.

I had a great Christmas and holiday I hope 2011 will go smoothly too!!!

2010 ah... not very smooth but not that rough also la. I'm sure with every year I'll experience more. Just hope I'll always be up to it and I must always try my best.

And do it all for my own standards and not by looking at the standards of others.

And GROW UP.

Crap la 21 next year. WHATEVER LA FINE OLD OLD I'm okay with that.

Okay I gotta go get on with my life le.

Resolutions?

Dance:
be stronger
be stabler
push myself more
relax in the right ways
enjoy dancing more

Life:
keep in contact with my friends
be more understanding and sensitive
eat less
be a better Christian

Nah I think for life I just wanna be myself and see how things go from there.

God bless all of you!!! :D

Happy 2011!!! :D

2010-12-26T00:20:00.003+08:00

Merry Christmas!!!

Wonderful to be with my family for Christmas this year, even though holidays usually = weight gain but okay la I'm trying to control.

(that hasn't stopped me from getting extra chocolate tho hahaha)

And I had an epic Christmas eve dinner with the adams family, all 20+ of us, with a missing family and some other missing links and people I haven't met before.

But what can I say, I think this is the youngest I've felt in a long long time. Playing rough with my siblings and my two little godbrothers takes a lot out of this old woman. -_- hahaha....

Got presents, good food, cold weather and doggies, and even though everything was simple, everything was special too, and I thank God for all the wonderful people who don't mind last minute plans or organising large scale parties and who are always game for a chat.

I thank God that I am appreciative of all that.

Now that I think of it, one year has well and truly passed.

This time last year I was still struggling with coping and well, every year we all struggle with something old and something new, but yea I see change. And its cool. Hopefully next year when I look back I will be proud of myself instead of just going 'oh look I've changed.'

There will be a point in time where I stop looking back and wondering what is there in the future, because its so tiring to observe change. Its like observing your breath. Try doing that for a whole day sure sian one.

Anyway, I think... I'm happy. :)

Like right now, I just wanna put down everything that I feel might upset me and everything that I miss and just say that at this present moment, I'm satisfied.

Merry Christmas everyone. Its been a great holiday and just what I needed for this break. I just hope I won't be too cold and I won't gain too much weight and when I get back to school I'll be ready again.

And even though its over, may the Christmas spirit of Love, Joy and Hope live on in all of us. And I pray that all my friends and family, whether near or far, can believe and feel the love that I have for each and every one of them.

I love you. :) And I truly wish all of you happiness. God bless!!!

2010-12-23T23:46:00.003+08:00

Hi me, let's blog something that is worth reading today.

I am glad I am having holidays.

I say that cos usually having holidays bore the hell out of me. I have nothing to do, and I just eat and sleep and use the com all day and rot and grow fat and look forward to school starting.

I'm still really looking forward to starting school, dancing a new rep with my classmates and all...

But I feel like I need this break. Like really. For my mind and my body to rest.

Sometimes you know you work on one thing so hard your vision starts to narrow and then blur and in the end you have no idea where you came from and what you wanna be doing in the end.

And this break helps me take many steps back and look at me and my dancing from a wider perspective.

The past semester hasn't been totally fun, its been really stressful, and it was the first time I feel like I really had to ask myself if I really wanted this. Or rather, how badly I want this.

I know right, I'm studying full-time, of course I should 拼了老命去 be the best! Be the best of myself. I know I must've said that in the course of my life. (I say many things I don't mean after that moment has passed, and my thoughts constantly change. But I don't think of it as being fickle, rather like my perspective keeps changing... oh okay fine la that's fickle hur)

But sometimes I'm really scared/worried/disliking (disliking? the grammar is weird T_T) the stress of keeping what I have achieved and LET'S ADMIT IT IM FREAKING COMPETITIVE NAO I DUN LIKE T_________T

But then!!! I believe its important if you wanna be successful in dance lo.

cannot be too passive
be proactive!
cannot dance too into yourself
project out!!
cannot be satisfied
want MORE!!!

Ya.

Its so hard on yourself lo. I'm so hard on myself. I dont like. T_T And I keep telling myself its okay if I don't get an A/A-/B+/B/opportunity BUT NO ITS NOT OKAY ITS NOOOOTTTT OOOOKKAAAAAAYYYYYY.

And I really hate it la.

I hate the self-hate man. All for peace. :p

But then like that I go into dance for WHUT?! Might as well find some office job and then earn enough money to take classes and perform by the side.

Sometimes love just ain't enough huh. Sad.

Maybe dance isn't my one true love. T_T Maybe I hafta get a DIVORCE nononono please someone gimme ~~marriage~~career counseling.
(eh counseling not double L meh?)

I guess this is what they mean when they say they don't know who they wanna be. They being me.

I dunno what kind of person I wanna be, what kind of dancer I wanna be... where my priorities are standing now, cos they're running all over the place...
and jumping over one another...
and laughing in my face...

So I gotta sort them out first. And its like the easiest thing ever right?

But nah not for me. I guess in a way it means I don't really know what I want, and therefore I want it less than others, and that thought alone really sucks lei. Makes me feel like a kid who's regretting a stupid decision. BUT DANCE WAS THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE IN MY LIFE!!!

So I guess I should really step up? Push forward like nothing before? Shove my way through the crowd, not caring who's feet I step on or not helping up those who have fallen?

They say its not necessary to go so far... but is it really?

I know I don't push myself hard enough, but I'm happy like that. Why should I continue holding a pose when I'm in pain? Why should I keep pushing myself in a normal technique class?

Usually the excuse is, because I have a sucky body and I'm never gonna be a performer.

Yea I know that's an excuse, cos I haven't even tried hard enough.

But are the results worth the unhappiness if I really go and push myself and scream at myself in my own head?

Will I really feel the kind of satisfaction when I achieve greater results?

What if I don't improve? Or what if I'm being stubborn so I can't improve but I don't even know it?

So many questions... and you tell me to not think so much and just do it? I don't think I'm capable of doing that.

Love isn't enough. Commitment, perseverance, tolerance, pro-activeness...

Why did I choose dance when I've never shown any of the above characteristics in all of my 17+ pre-dancing years?

Hahaha well there's still a week plus more to go till school starts. Let's prepare ourselves before that then. :)

Jiayou all of us.

20 years.

You know I very often ask myself the question 'how would I feel like if I know I would die tomorrow?' to make sure that I don't regret anything I've done, or to make sure that I've done all I can to make the most out of each day.

I don't know if I've said this before, but regret is something I think there is no need for (unless you do something bad. like criminally bad.) . But even so, every decision has its consequences, and I think each consequence teaches us a lesson.

If you hurt somebody you learn to be more sensitive in the future.
If you hurt yourself you learn to be stronger.
If you missed an opportunity you learn to be more pro active next time.
If you said the wrong thing you learn when to and what is the right thing to say next time.
If you bought something you shouldn't have you learn to stop spending money like that.
If you blogged something you didn't want someone to read, you learn to be more understanding and to stop acting in the heat of the moment.
If you were disappointed in someone and you didn't speak up to him/her, you learn to have less expectations.

And it goes on...

So no matter what has or hasn't happened because of something you did or didn't do, its okay. its passed. You still have an opportunity to change yourself, to change things.

Don't need to regret.

You think just because you did what you did (or didn't do what you should've/could've done) things would have turned out differently?

If you're sure so, you're wrong. Cos you never know what kind of tricks life can play on you. You never understand another person fully, so really, you're not in control of that much.

To be honest who really fully understands themselves? Not me. Maybe you. I dunno.

Anyway, I think anything is possible. I don't try and pretend I can change things if I go back in time. The thing within my control is me.

But first I gotta find out who I wanna be.

What a load of questions. -_-

2010-12-21T20:48:00.002+08:00

The second time, David and I decided to share a jet ski. It was getting dark when suddenly our jet ski’s engine died and failed to start. We were just sitting there floating in the ocean as the sun slowly set.

I asked David
“Dude… do you think we’re floating away from shore or towards shore. Because if we’re floating away… we’re fucked”.

David panicked for a while then used his feet to try paddle our jet ski towards the shore but we gave up after some 30 seconds when we realized we were going nowhere. Lucky for us we were jet skiing with a few other Nuffies and they came to help us out. They couldn’t do anything but sooner or later one of the marshals from the shore saw us and came over. They refueled the jet ski and helped us get it started again.

-From timothytiah.com

Haha I was just thinking when I read this 'is this how guys deal with problems? I think if any of my girl friends had this happen to them they would panic immediately instead of 'sitting there floating in the ocean as the sun slowly set' HAHAHAHA...

Reminds me of the time I almost lost my bank card hahaha...

2010-12-21T12:50:00.003+08:00

Hahaha just saw this meme done by Audrey (http://fourfeetnine.com/) and she's damn funny and I'm doing it also cos I think compared to other 20 year old girls I am a hermit. -_- I don't dress up and take care of my skin much etc etc but hey can you do 180 deg penchee (at the barre)?!?!

Haha no I'm kidding my dancer classmates are very girly and they always laugh at me and ruimin for being suaku. T_T today you shall see the severity of my suakuness.

The answers below in italics are hers, and she was using an old meme so some of the continued answers are what she thinks now, if not those are her answers from 2 years ago. (omg 2 years ago I wouldn't even know how to do this at all -_-)

Skin Care

What facial cleanser do you use?
Benefit You Clean Up Nice! face wash. Bought it like two years ago and still cannot finish wtf think my face is too small. It’s ok la nothing special about it but it gets the job done - not very drying but not moisture retentive either.

I use Pond's Flawless White or Etude House's Milk Tea Cleansing dunnowhat depending on where I bathe (at home/in sch).

What toner do you use?

Hada Labo! Blogged about it a while back.

haha I don't use toner -_- I used to use la! In SG when my mum has it I just kope some hur.

What moisturizer do you use?

I’m as anal about moisturization as I am about eye care. I was using Kanebo before this and switched to Shiseido The Skincare range. I remember Suet using it a few years ago and she said it was good so I decided to try it out too. Quite good very moisturizing, definitely better than Clinique or Kanebo (my usual products).

There’s a bottle for day AND night. The night one is more moisturizing, while the day one has SPF 15 for you lazy people who like to skip your sunblock wtf.

I use the Vaseline lotion to rub on my face hahahahaha no I'm just kidding (partially). I used to use the Shiseido one too cos my mum had samples and she gave me the day/night one. But now winter so dry I just put the lotion on my face la WHAT its perfectly fine okay my skin is hao de bu de liao humph.

What eyecream do you use?

Avene Eluage Eye contour care.

Mummy Ooi recommended it cos she said it visibly reduces fine lines when applied. It does la but after a few hours I can see my fine lines again T_______T

But then there is…

Odbo Wrinkletox Serum. I got this in Korea and they call it “natural Botox” because finishing up eight small bottles of this will give you wrinkle free skin for two years wtf. I’m a bit skeptical la but bought it anyway T_T

I’ve been using it for only two days but it really does actively reduce wrinkles lor! My eye area now looks like a baby’s butt WTF. But let me use it longer and get back to you on its effectiveness.

What? Err see above. -_-'''

How many times a day do you wash your face?

Twice! I am damn anal about this and will never wash more or less. You’re not supposed to okay! Even if you’re in humid Malaysia or a the Gobi desert wtf you should only wash your face TWICE a day.

My answer remains wtf.

Same la. Too much my face will become v dry also...

Do you use eye makeup remover?

What nonsense is this of course! It’s a sin to leave your makeup on mmmkay.

When I put makeup lo but even then sometimes I lazy to use the makeup remover plus its so oily omg just wash face can liao la.

If so, What kind?

Etude House Mascara Remover. Got this in Seoul too and it’s damn good! Removes mascara super well and damn cheap some more, so cheap I can’t even remember how much it was wtf. Like RM6 or something.

I use some Loreal eye and lip make up remover thing.

Is your skin oily, dry, or combination skin?

Dry and sensitive Always get allergy this allergy that.

Oily T-zone, dry rest of the face. I guess that means combination. sien. -_-

What is the best part about your skin?

That it’s clear la wtf. No pimples, blackheads, freckles, age spots wtf. (not yet anyway) But got fine lines already FMLLLLLLLLL

Ya I don't really breakout often too, but when its humid (like forever in SG) or when I'm stressed out they'll start popping out. :(

What are your skin problems?

That it gets dark easily la I spend my life shying away from sunlight T_T And eyebags and dark circles *frets

FINE LINES! FINE LINES!

Hahaha... eh ya I'm naturally pretty dark too. And okay la i think its fair to say I'm lucky when it comes to skin. Except I think the problems will start showing as I grow older (nooooooooo T_T).

What sunblock do you use?

Shiseido Anessa Perfect Smooth Sunblock. SPF 50++ okay I swear their biggest customer is Mrs Dracula wtf. Or Japanese women. But you should never go anywhere without putting on sunblock! Even if you’re staying at home, sunblock is a must okay do you know how damaging the sun is.

I was going to say same!!!! And that I’m a loyalist wtf but I realized there’s a slight difference - the one I’m using now is Perfect PEARLY Sunscreen, not Perfect Smooth wtf but it’s still from the Shiseido Anessa range so same la! I don’t know where to get this sunblock here though - I just stock up every time I’m in Japan.

Haha I know I should really use sunblock but I CANT BE BOTHERED plus in SG its so humid I can't stand putting product on my skin it feels so sticky and ew. :(

Makeup

What foundation do you use?

Face Shop QUick & Clean BB cream! Good, cheap and easy to apply. Plus supposed to be better for your skin than foundation ok foundation ages your skin *obsessive

I use some unknown brand BB cream that is okay, but I need to get new powder.

What powder do you use?

Clinique. I bought this 4 years ago and I have no idea why it’s still nearly full! Actually I do, it’s because half the time I forget to use powder *shifty-eyed.

My Clinique powder never finished! In the end I think I lost it WTF. So I went out and got…

Christian Dior loose powder. I actually have no idea what it’s called but I googled it and it looks like this wtf. Does a great job of setting my BB cream

I wanna get loose powder. But usually I do my makeup shopping nearer to a performance cos that's when I wear the most makeup.

What eyebrow pencil do you use?

Lancome Le Crayon Brow Definer. I never knew the full name until I googled it wtf.

Can’t find a picture of it, but Canmake Eyebrow Mascara (Japanese brand) in blond, to make sure my brows match my hair>.>

Put aside the Lancome pencil cos the color doesn’t match my hair now wtf.

Coincidentally I now use Canmake Liquid Eyebrow! I usually love liquid pens for eyebrows but this one seemed to dry up damn fast! Like the first time I used it WTF I dunno was it cos it absorbed up all my BB cream or something -_- It was good while it lasted though and I haven’t gotten round to buying a new one.

Koji Linequeen Eyebrow Mascara to further tint my brows to match my brows - that is only on days I remember / am hardworking enough to put it on. Bottle still looks full wtf.

I never draw my brows... they're so thick liao (and okay fine I don't pluck them either if I'm not in SG cos got no one to pluck for me plus I look weird with shaped brows excuseexcuseexcuse hahaha)

What eyeliner do you use?

MAC Fluidline dunno what hahaha I’m just typing out what I see in the picture wtf. Dunno why I’m so bad at remembering product names. I haven’t used this for ages though because I’m too lazy to wash my brush wtf.

Interestingly, from gel eyeliner I moved to liquid eyeliners and then recently went back to gel liners! Liquid eyeliners tend to fade out or smudge on my eyes and gel liners seem to work best for me. This one is called Shiseido Maquillage Dramatical (grammatical fail wtf) Gel Liner and it comes with its own mini brush! It’s black with glitter in it and if you’re looking for staying power and darkness go for gel eyeliners

(Just realized I got so many stuff from Shiseido, must be my underground favorite brand wtf)

Maybelline gel eyeliner. Nice to use. :) I use pencil/crayon/colourpencilwhatever -_- to define it if I need to.

What is your favorite eyeshadow?

Revlon Eyeglide Shimmer Shadow wtf. (again typing out from google) It’s only my favorite cos I use the pink or the gold for day use. Looks more finished!

God I remember how I loved those shadows T_T Now I usually use Majolica Majorca or Canmake.

Don't really have a favourite one cos other than for performances I think wearing eyeshadow out is too much. I just use brown or pinkish colours. I quite like Ruimin's Revlon one. :)

What mascara do you use?

Loreal Double Extension and Lancome Hypnose both in black. But Loreal kicks Hypnose’s ass okay the first time I used Hypnose it was Mascara God wtf, but the next time I bought it again I felt like the quality worsened. Plus I love mascaras that come with the strenghtening volumising white base.

I hardly use mascaras anymore! I actually used the Loreal Double Extension for many years but then now I switched to mostly fake lashes cos I’m too lazy to remove makeup after and mascara is the biggest bitch to remove >((

For lashes, Dolly Wink and Diamond Lashes.

But I still use Majolica Majorca’s Lash Expander Frame Plus and Lash Bone.

I wanna get the Loreal Double Extension!!! I'm using the Maybelline dunno what extension now but it cannot save my pathetic eyelashes. T_T for performances I use fake lashes with no brand because I'm sui bian like that.

What are your favorite lipbalms/glosses/sticks?:

Vaseline wtf. I hate stuff on my lips and I used to be allergic to lip glosses T_T

Still relevant wtf.

I have a gloss from H&M that I quite like.

Hair

Do you color your hair?

No it’s natural wtf. Of course I do!

Hahaha audrey's blond. My hair is dyed black la which was a waste of money and time cos it didn't show on stage. T_T I'm thinking of dyeing it a dark brown or brown with a reddish tint but I don't wanna damage my hair anymore....

What is your stylists name?

Raymond Chew!!!!

Elizabeth Chan (yea sometimes I cut my own hair/fringe)

What salon do you go to?

Wherever Raymond goes wtf. Followed him from A Cut Above to Shunji Matsuo to Shawn Cutler and now he’s opening a new salon this week. Will update when I visit him next week.

Eh usually I just go to the one near my house... its not that cheap either which is why I don't go as often as I should (hello split ends)

What is your natural hair color?

Black la but a very crappy black. A not black at all black wtf.

Dark dark brown almost black but not really black. I liked it. :(

What is your hair color now?

Pudding head wtf.

BLACK. T_T

Do you have straight or curly hair?

Straight until dunno what I can go crazy wtf.

Haha same answer I can never make my hair stay in a certain way it just goes limp.

Do you use a curling iron?

Yes! My beloved Conair.

Still Conair! Except now I’m using the 2.5 inch diameter one.

Nope but I wanna get one.

A straightener?

No.

Do you use a blowdryer?

Of course! For volume. (wtf this is the longest tag ever sien already)

In school but otherwise no.

Do you use gel and if so, what kind?

Nope.

Do you use mousse, and if so, what kind?

Nope. I use hair wax and hair spray. Both from Gatsby and they are better than sex wtf.

Still use wax and spray only! Wax is Moving Rubber Air Rise from Gatsby, but the spray is a miracle wtf. It’s basically wax in a can and Angela took me to get it from a Japanese salon in San Fran. It’s called Spice Shower wtf.

I only use when I need to tie my hair up for a performance. I think I need to get one and stop leeching from other people. :p

What shampoo do you use?

I don’t remember WTF. I alternate between an orange bottle and a gray one wtf.

Dove Intense Therapy! Blogged about it before.

Same! But at home Asience Shine Therapy.

What conditioner do you use?

Ditto.

Do you use leave in conditioner?

(what’s leave in conditioner wtf)

Hahahaha!!! No.

Scents

What deodorant do you use?

I don’t need deodorant! I smell like a flower naturally wtf.

Nivea Pearl Beauty

What body wash do you use?

Dunno. Dettol? God this part is so boring can I skip it.

Johnsons Baby Bath :D

Do you use a loofah, washcloth or soap to wash?

I once bought a pink loofah but never used it wtf.

Me too I used a washcloth to scrub off the Avatar makeup but then after that no more.

What perfumes do you use or like? Name five.

I don’t use perfumes! Cos I told you la I already smell good naturally wtf. I think I always smell like my body wash la wtf. Also, I have almost no sense of smell (that’s why I’m made to do trash T_T) so perfumes and colognes are wasted on me.

Don't use perfumes cos 1.don't have any 2.don't get out much 3.no one to smell nice for hahahahaha.

Do you always have to smell good?

I have Audrey smell ok. Audrey Smell = orange soap smell + Body Shop Satsuma Body Butter. Or trash smell right after I do trash T_____________________T

FML. Thank god I don’t smell like trash anymore

Haha Audrey did the trash collecting in her hall in her hostel. Yea I think I cannot tahan if I stink or am sweaty. But isn't that basic hygiene stuff?

Jewelry

Are diamonds really a girl’s best friend?

I’m not really a girl T_______T

Haha I only like small diamonds.

What is your jewelry essential?

Errrrrrrrrrrrrr dunno

Don't have gua... or my watch? Its damn cui but I feel insecure if I don't have my watch haha...

What jewelry do you wear most?

The gold necklace with the key pendant Mummy Ooi gave me for my birthday.

I took it off last year for safekeeping and don’t wear any jewelry on a daily basis anymore!

The necklace with the Elibird!!! pendant and the wings ring, but I don't wear it anymore cos the chain is all rusty and oxidised and I have been procrastinating getting a new chain. -_-

What jewelry do you crave most?

Am I really still doing this tag why so long wan T__________T Dunno la engagement ring la wtf.

WTF I wrote that when I was still young and naive. I don’t crave an engagement ring ok *hyperventilates

HAHAHA She is so funny. Eh dunno la I like all (small delicate elaborate) jewelry.

Purses and Shoes

How many purses do you own?

Very few. I would be happy not carrying bags okay I remember how my mother had to nag me to put my wallet and phone and whatnot into a bag.

Ok I have more now wtf. I know a lot of girls have different bags to match each occasion and outfit (ie. Angela, Ringo..) but I usually carry one bag for ages just because I’m too lazy to move my belongings from one bag to another.

Same! I think I got a few also la but keep changing bag v mafan. I wanna get a smaller bag for going out but then I will think no need cos cannot fit my umbrella hahahahaha....

Which is your favorite?

Plastic bag wtf.

HAHAHA whaaat. Favourite bag ah... my brown sling bag cos its the smallest one but surprisingly can fit alot of stuff.

How many shoes do you own?

20-30?

Probably more now…

Omg pathetically little. One Nike sneakers, one on the brink of falling apart boots, one booties that I haven't worn, one grey sneakers, one slippers and one new sandals my mum bought from cotton on i think. hahaha okay la better than last time one shoe one slipper nia. T_T

Which pair is your favorite?

Match outfit la! But if I’m travelling, my cowboy boots. Most comfortable pumps would be the black ones with the gold clasp in front.

I had to put my beloved cowboy boots to sleep it’s heel came off T_T Regret not buying that pair I saw in Myeondong with Cheesie now T3T But right now if I’m traveling it’s the fringed suede boots that Wendy and Cheesie got for me in Tokyo >

Ya if you were to ask me my favourite I think my nike shoes is the most comfy. my slippers is the most easy to wear etc.

Who is your favorite handbag designer?

I told you I don’t like bags T_____T Petaling Street designer wtf. Oh wait I forgot about Vuitton Speedy Damier in Azur wtf. Let me work 10 years to buy that wtf.

I have grown up! Miu Miu wtf. I like bags now more but still not more than shoes! I promised myself I wouldn’t buy any luxury items until after I’ve paid off my loan *brave

Don't really have any designer stuff but then I like certain designs from the different brands. But aiyah I am not worthy of such stuff. :p

Who is your favorite shoe designer?

Dunno.

This or that;

Manolos or Jimmy Choos?

Jimmy Choo la. But that’s only because he’s a family friend. But family friend also what’s the point never give me any shoes also! Only give my mother and her sisters *sour

WHAT Jimmy Choo is a family friend wthh no fair!!!! Hahaha I think both have nice and not nice designs. :p (talking nonsense)

Dolce and Gabbana or Chanel?

ENOUGH LA WHY SO MANY QUESTIONS BUT I CHOOSE CHANEL

Haha this section a bit not applicable to me leh. -_- I like both ba.

Micheal Kors or Bebe?

Bebe la damn cute okay.

Louis Vuitton or Coach?

Vuitton la Vuitton. Are you happy wtf.

Haha I think I prefer Coach leh.

Gucci or Prada?

I choose Audrey.

I used to hate Gucci but my friend has this gorgeous Gucci bag so I like that kind hahaha...

Miscellaneous

Favorite Magazine to read?

Vivi, CanCam, Smash Hits WTF.

VIVI!!!

Cleo, Vivi, Marie Claire, 8days hahaha...

Favorite nail polish?

Cheap ones.

Any nail polish that is applied by someone else *lazy

Ya but I heard OPI was good.

Favourite Book?

Can we talk favorite authors! Stephen King, Sophia Kinsella, Emily Dickinson (cos she went to Mt Holyoke wtf), Jeffrey Archer, Ken Follett, Jane Austen, Francine Pascal WTF.

I think everything there still applies. Oh ya and Jodi Picoult!

Stephen King, Sophie Kinsella, Jodi Picoult, James Frey etc.

Favorite Band?

911 wtf.

KOBUKURO AND THE BEATLES SO EASY

don't have ba. My taste in music is pretty general and varied.

Favorite Girly Movie?

Mean Girls, Legally Blond, My Fair Lady wtf.

Lazy to answer.

Are you high maintenence?

pffffft of course not can someone whose favorite food in the world is Hainanese Chicken Rice be high maintenance wtf.

*looks at Wombeh

Hahahaha Wombeh is her bf. I don't think I am lo. But I do enjoy the occasional Starbucks and cake la sorry. :p

Do you enjoy being a girl?

Yes, I like being able to sit down and pee.

HAHAHA no leh sometimes I really wish I were a guy especially when it comes to dancing cos then I can jump higher and turn more and have a smaller hip. T_T hahaha but other than that I love being a girl. :D

DONE!!! What makeup do you use? Or like?

In other news, I have dropped my new phone twice since I got it. -_- Nokia X6. :DDD

And it may sound weird but I like the way they sing the Buddhist chants. :)

My holiday has been a getting fat holiday sigh omg I'm gonna be SOOOOO FREAKING FAAAAT when school starts again but then what is the use of holidays if you can't even enjoy them properly. :p

Ocean Park + Disneyland soon. :D

please stop putting stuff in your mouth elibird chan. T_T

Hahaha....

2010-12-17T08:39:00.003+08:00

I woke up late and I'm going to miss watching myself screw up and advising. Dunno if its a curse or a blessing. Hahaha....

And I got tons to bring cos I dunno when's the next time I'm coming home. And my family is coming tomorrow!!!

Sigh. Its times like these that I think living on Lamma is dangerous. But then again, thank God its not exam today. :)

2010-12-15T00:55:00.001+08:00

My sis is here!!! :DD

Happy.

3 more days to the holidays!!!

Happy.

Had delicious dinner!!!

Happy.

2010 is ending!!!

...

2010-12-11T02:45:00.004+08:00

Its 2.45am. I've just written the first few lines of my book report.

Still have anatomy notes to do and civilisations slides to look through but that's all.

I wanna go shopping for christmas presents and write christmas cards.

I wanna go experience Christmas at Disney and take pictures with all the different Christmas decorations around town.

The lights are so pretty, but all I can think of now is schoolschoolschool.

My eyes hurt. My nose has been running/blocked/sneezing for forever.

I wish I would just fall sick and all these silly physical disturbances wouldn't stand in my way anymore.

Today during class I was hyperventilating. I couldn't slow my breath down and I couldn't calm myself down. But yet everytime I did the exercise, even though I was on the brink of losing my temper and giving in to my laziness, I didn't. I probably didn't do it to the best I could've, but at that moment, I'm proud that I didn't give in to my tiredness.

It may not be much, but its a small step towards improvement.

At the end of the day darling, you don't make much sense and you're rude and you don't believe in us and we're so far from where you've been, what you've gone through... but that's okay for me. I'm not gonna be affected by you anymore. Shame on me if I let you play with my mind again.

I know the kind of person I am now, I know what I enjoy and what I enjoy less, and I'll work towards my own goals. Fact is, you can suggest and imply and even demand all you want but its my life and you're my nobody.

You should've been, could've been my somebody, but you've disappointed me time and time again, and I think you can tell that I'm not someone you can bully into believing you, so I'm giving up on you. There may be half a year more to go, but I won't expect much from you, since you can't even do something as basic as keeping your cool and being reasonable, don't worry.

The one mistake people always make is thinking that they're mature enough. Or that they're mature, for that matter. Its not simply a matter of mental age. Its how much effort you put into understanding, observing, being sensitive etc. Don't expect results when you don't put in the effort.

And that's a reminder to me too.

Okay enough procrastinating. I've spent 10 mins blogging time to go do hw.

Merry Christmas Darling. :)

Today when I was scolded for giving in to the pain I understood her point, but I really thought at that moment, if I were to walk over and punch her face, can she really pretend (successfully that) it doesn't hurt?

2010-12-09T20:14:00.002+08:00

Done:
-Choreological Studies exam
-interview
-rep essay
-shenyun homework
-statement
-~~rep reflections~~
-rep quote

Undone:
-Dance Education exam
-Sophie's World book report
-Anatomy exam
-Civilisations exam

Just one more week and tomorrow.

Starting to fall sick. Which is bad.

My sis is coming in 5 days but I don't think I can pei her much (refer to undone).

Missing home.

Feeling cold.

But its all okay.

It'll be okay, once I go to Disneyland.

Right now I just wanna sleep...

Another weekend gonna be ruined by studying.

Wtf I have so much to memorise. T_T

Tired.